Yuk!

I've leveled this complaint before, so I ought to be elegant with it by now. But I think my arrogance may get n the way of my elegance. And bear with me because this is another one of those issues where it's going to take me quite a while to get to the point.

You know you hope for yourself, and certainly encourage your students, to go out there and make a difference. The truth of it is when you do (?)  you probably don't even know about it. Somethng you say or do along the way catches somebody's attention and they're different because of it. But every once in while you get to see the end result of your effort and it blows your ego way out of proportion with respect to reality. In my case I even have to share the credit with Gary Barkley, and actually give him  most of the credit.

Gary is a photographer and like me has some gray roots. Gary is one of these guys who is so observant of events around him he sees more than God. I'll suffer the lightning bolt for saying that, buts it's true.

So Gary is driving back and forth to California one summer and he is impressed with the quality of the rest stops in New Mexico. They are neatly trimmed, lots of shade, clean restrooms, running water. ( We later learned they actually have a competition amongst those maintaining the stops. They get a prize of some kind. I think it might be a Georgia O'Keefe print.)

Normally you could put Gary's rest stop observation into the "so what" bin. But on his return trip Gary apparently drinks a little too much of that fresh rest stop water driving through New Mexico. So when he gets to Colorado on I-25, the main north-south highway between Mexico and Canada in this part of the world, he has to pee. Well first of all that first rest stop coming in, and last stop going out, is a good 40 miles north of the border. Gary could give you exact mileage, I just know it's north of Walsenberg. Anyway when those of us with a few gray roots say, "I gotta pee," we mean it. Forty miles might as well be a hundred. 

It's summer, it's hot, and there it is, the sign. "Rest Stop One Mile Ahead." I'm not there but I picture Gary already having his fly unzipped. Then he sees it. This rest stop consists of an old fashioned two-holer sitting right in the middle of the highway. It's sitting right in the middle of the highway where there are no trees, no living blades of grass, and most importantly no running water. I can't remember for sure, but I think Gary endured the indignity, but the next time he sees me he says, " Paul, we gotta go do this story."

Well we do, and everyone should be happy smellovision never really took off. We just sit back with Gary's camera and get these incredible shots of people gingerly opening the door to the "John" (I've got a book about why it's called a John if you ever want to borrow it)  with one hand, the other hand occupied pinching their nasal passages shut. No one, we noticed, stays long. And when they come out they are waving their hands in front of them irrationally believing that will diminish the insult. Then, of course, they realize where those hands have been, and look around in vain desperation for a cleanser. Some settle  for rubbing their hands in the dirt.

I always tell my students you don't have a really good news story unless you can produce some good natural sound and some pithy soundbites. Let's see nat sound like, "ICH," "YUK," "PUKE." And there was the squeaky sound of the potty door, seriously in need of some WD40. Then we get the pithy soundbites like, "that may be the worst experience I've ever had in my life," or "welcome to Colorado," or "I'm not going in there." We get all the nat sound and pithy sound bites and make sure the State Highway Department is watching. Lo and behold a few weeks later our good friend Dan Hopkins, Media Relations Czar for the Department, says they are going to shut that sucker down and build a new MILLION dollar replacement.  I'm pretty sure Gary shares my arrogance. Ladies and Gentlemen, THAT is making a difference. ( of course it's now even further north of the border, so be sure to ration your water intake going through New Mexico)

So, if I can do that, why won't they listen to me when I tell them they are screwing up this multi-billion dollar touch up on the same highway? As is the current trend they are putting up these decorative sound walls along the way. Decorative in this case means scattered bas relief of bison and birds.You can create an illusion of art moving by having it go in the same direction as the traffic. And I think the current theory is the practice aids the flow of traffic. I discussed all this with my good friend Karen Morales who is in charge of media relations for the project.

"You know, Paul, you right about that."

There is nothing wrong with thebison representation, but the beasts are headed the wrong direction.

"Well then Karen, why are all these bison set up for head on collisions? How are they going to expedite the flow of traffic?"

"Hmm. I'll ask about that and get back to you."

 Now it's the same issue with the birds. On one hand the motorist will always take home the prize in that joust. But, virtually thinking, all those feathers will certainly impede visibility.

With the birds I have another issue.  A little birdy (tee hee) tells me they are Swallows, of which in real life there may be NONE along this highway. ( My source tells me swallows tend to hang out around street lights and at some mission in Southern California.)  

"How much trouble would it have been to reshape a beak here, trim some feathers there, and come up with a Lark Bunting, the state bird."

"Yeah, I don't know Paul. I'll check on that and get back to you." 

Karen is one of my favorite media relations people of all time. I know she'll get back to me eventually. The issues must be more complex than I imagine. I'd like to stick around for the answer but I've been drinking coffee all day and I gotta go pee.