Dear Graduates

I would give a graduation speech, but you would have to pay me big time. And I would be willing to be paid in inverse proportion to the number of words I used. From what I have seen or heard there has never been a well received, honestly praised, really persuasive, inspirational graduation speech. This may be my own jaded observation, but I think I have some company in this perspective. I want to be the person who reads the very last name of the graduates being honored. The response to that duty is always a resounding, deafening roar of approval. And it should tell us something, I think. But it won't.

I was at an Air Force Academy ceremony when then President Clinton was the speaker. Let's face it this would be the ultimate audience, trained and diciplined to behave appreciatively. But there had been at least an hour of pomp before he got up there. He may have said a lot of good things, but it was hot, and this was not the political environment where Clinton tended to thrive. It was before Monica but after his military record, or lack thereof. Pardon the pun but there was an air of reserve. All these cadets wanted to hear was that last name called and the Thunderbird's Flyover.  The President then ingratiated (sarcasm) the crowd further by wanting to look around a bit. So, for security reasons everyone in Falcon Stadium had to sit around after the ceremony for another half hour.

If you are remembered for your graduation remarks don't expect it  to be a good memory.

The highlights of any graduation ceremony tend to be the "anti-speech" moments. Someone trips over their gown, the singer forgets the words to "The Star Spangled Banner," an exotic name of a popular student gets butchered. That's what will be remembered. And then there are the planned moments of irreverance. In the ceremony I just attended one of my ex-students, Jonathon Kuenne, crosses the stage wearing a huge chicken head. (for anyone interested he says he got it off of ebay. It was actually designed so you could hide it in the sleeve of your gown right up to the last minute.) 

I was in the person's room when, my wife reports, some one does a front hand spring or flip, she wasn't sure. That will be remembered.

When you are giving a speech you are looking for response from your audience to build your enthusiasm and confidence.The students I knew well were grouped together in yesterday's event. And more than one told me they used the occcasion of the keynote speech to reminisce about great times they'd had in class. And in all the graduations I've attended the caps and gowns are the one's sitting up front. Ask any entertainer. It's tough to play to the back of the room.

I saw a CBS affiliate crew at the event, and a photographer and reporter from one of the dailies I knew. Once again I felt comfortable in semi-retirement. I hated covering graduations. And I could see the ennui and frustration in their eyes as they looked for some way to make this graduation seem special. As a journalist you always come up with something, but its arduous and painful, especially if you're expected to come up with a soundbite from a speech.

I accidentally came across the coverage on my way to the crossword puzzle today. There was a quote from the speaker, and a human interest ditty I'd seen in the school paper a week earlier. But the highlight? A still pic about 5 by 5 of three gowned women's studies grads doing a high kick routine on stage. I'm telling you that's what its all about.

I don't know. I missed my College graduation. I was taking some summer classes to finish up, and I was working, and my girl friend lived 30 miles away, and the surf was up. So what I'm saying may sound like sour grapes, but I don't think so. I've been to some so called dramatic ceremonies in some wonderful locations (i.e. my stepdaughter's bachelor's and master's degree events, my nephew's law degree at Navy Pier in Chicago. ( I did enjoy the archetectural boat tour on the Chicago river the next day.) But I can't remember a word from anybody's speech. Sure I get teary eyed and proud just like anybody else when someone I know or just admire from a distance walks across the stage. Like everybody else I run around and take pictures in light  I know will render the photographs nigh unrecognizable. I feel compelled emotionally to go to every graduation at my campus. So somewhere in there I must be getting something out it.  But I have to tell you, if you were one of the graduation speakers? I have no idea what you said, and sorry,  I probably don't remember your name.