Ouch!

Are we for sure Brutus and his boys didn't off Caesar on the Ides of April rather than the ides of March?  Just askin?

We're headin' out to do our income tax today.  I'm going to add a lot to this entry.  But just in case something should happen to me between here, there, and back here?  I just want a few things on the record.

The way we handle taxes in this country is insane.  I like to think of myself as somewhat of a patriot. I don't really want to live anywhere else for any extended period of time. But this time of year I'd be happy living in Antarctica with the penguins. At least they get to hold on to their nest eggs.

I envision some cadre of IRS agents scanning the internet looking for malcontents to punish this time of year.  But you know what? Blank em! You can say that when you're my age.  Do they think they can inflict more pain and indignity than a colonoscopy?How about a camera probe to check out a bladder infection. (Ladies you'll need to add your own contribution here. I'm thinking child birth hits the mark.)

Has it ever donned on our great american bureaucratic minds there might be a reason our life expectancy has fallen behind countries with very simple tax systems.

Well I'm headin' out now. If you don't hear more from me later in the day? Don't get concerned.  While it will likely be censored by AUTHORITIES, I'll write from debtor's prison.  Talk to you soon.  

I'm back. Dang it wasn't that bad.  You get to deduct your medical insurance payments? Wow!  It only took about two hours, filed electronically, gettin' a GRAND back.

God Bless America!

So I'll guess I'll work on my lines in the Rabbi versus Convert (ger) play.  You know I don't know if this fits, but I think I'll play with it a little bit.  MOTIVATION: As a Rabbi, aka member or the clergy, don't I get to deduct just about everything?  Maybe I can work that level of rapture into the climax of the play.

And then there is Stephenie Plum.  The way she lives I doubt she even files. Is there some portion of her self-styled justice system I can apply to my character?

Eh, that's probably a stretch.

Well I think I'm just going to go have a glass of merlot and toast to the thought that YOUR filing will have the same happy ending we saw here.  Shalom!

Donut Day

I can't take it anymore. Sure I'm probably better off without it. My waistline and the sane side of my brain can certainly use the break.  But I'm Plum sorry.  I'm givin' in. I've had it.  I'm an addict who has no intention of turning it around. 

Today, on the way to school on the light rail?  I read the Smithsonian.  It is not the same my friends. I HAVE TO HAVE it.  I'm walking out on Peggy right now. She'll know where to find me. The Bookstore (maybe bookstores).  I need some Stephenie Plum jelly.  I need number 12.

And Stephenie, I'm sure you'll understand.  I need the paperback. If I go hardcover they'll do an intervention on me and send me to rehab.

If I get number 12....? I'm going to read it real slow....cause 13 ain't out until may, and that too will be hardcover. Can you get knockoffs out there on the streets in Jersey?  Just askin'.

Before I go Peggy thinks Amanda Peet for Stephenie? And if you'll check cuz e's and Sighlemaccabas comments from the last entry? Between them they've pretty much got the whole series mapped out.  Cuz e, and everyone else is giving Lula to Queen Latiffa if she wants it.  I mean if you want this series to meet your standards?  You better get on the ball.

Oh, I looked at the Janet Evanovich website?

http://www.evanovich.com

Kinda Kool

They've taken a long list of suggestions for actors to play six of the roles in a movie.  But we're going broader with this. I think Stephenie deserves a series.

I do like a jelly donut, but my real passion is the one with the sweet cream cheese centers.  Uhmmmm.  A nice fire, a good book, and a cream cheese filled donut.  Gotta go!.

I ended up getting Metro Girl. I think I can get 12 in hardcover cheap next month. That's the word from my dealer. Don't tell anybody.

Weighty Matters

Okay, I'm thinkin' about some stuff. First of all I've just come from a dissection session on the rabbi, convert and convert mother play. How do I play this Rabbi who must decide whether or not to let this conflicted woman switch faiths.  We we doing pretty good...until it dawns on all of us? These guys are all likely psuedo elitists with ties to Bryn Mawr and D.C. politicians. So the cynical thinking? Everything is politically motivated.  We probably won't go that way, but just saying Bryn Mawr gives one pause.

So now on to casting for the HBO Stephenie Plum series. Sighlemaccaba is prettty much dead set against a Westerner with a handlebar mustache for Morrelli. She at least lets the Rabbi, sans stache, audition.  How about James Tupper who plays Jack in men in trees. The roles the look, and the character development sure match up. But to make it on Sighlemaccaba's list he is going to have to shave every day. Peggy wants Daniel Craig (new Bond) for Morelli. But I think its just 'cause she wants to drool. 

I think in today's grab bag Stephenie is going to be a tough one to cast.  Peggy has the obvious choice, Sandra Bullock. But, and I hate this as much as every woman hates it, she may be getting a little too long in the tooth. In her prime I would have picked Holly Hunter.

Sighlemaccaba is thinking Antonio Banderas could be tanned up to fit the role of Ranger.  I don't agree. Once again I think we need to step back for a role model. That curly headed guy from early Miami Vice shows (can't think of his name) would have been good. Jimmy Smits might even be able to pull it off today. I certainly think Jamie Foxx looks the part, but would have to do some character study to get there. It's too bad Denzel Washington is such a GOOD guy. Can you believe how tender he was with Julia Roberts in The Pelican Brief?

Cousin EW, hiding behind his SO, has some terrific plot considerations, but so far a little shy on his casting thoughts.

Well let's not get Plum crazy here. Just join in when the spirit hits you.

I have something else I want to talk about it. I got back on my bicycle this past weekend.  I got on the bike path down by the creek.  The path is, oh, I'd say three and half feet wide?  There are signs that indicate it is not designed for motor vehicles.  In fact, should a motorist appear on the path?  I wouldn't be surprised if a vigilante group made up of cyclists, joggers, dog walkers, and baby buggy pushers would hang the miscreant from the nearest cottonwood. 

So here's this deal. About a mile into my ride I come across a bridge just slightly wider than the path itself. It, too, is taboo to motorized vehicles. So why is there this sign coming and going on that bridge? A sign that says, and I quote: "WEIGHT LIMIT 1 and 1/2 TONS."

Who? Me? I CAN NOT HELP IT!  No matter how many times I see it, no matter how many times I rationalize it, no matter how many times I talk to it, not matter how many times it ignores me, I ask the same question. WHO? ME? I find it a pretty good motivation for keeping my weight down. Who weighs 1 and 1/2 tons, anyway?

I had a new epiphany out riding. You may have heard me grouse once in a while about the attitude of the "ON YOUR LEFT" ers. I've always put them in the same class with the persons riding in the opposite direction that are too buy to acknowledge your presence.  Well, I may have misjudged the "OPPOSITE DIRECTIONERS." 

I don't know how universal this is? But I noticed on this last ride that when I shake my head in recognition of an oncoming rider? While he or she doesn't return the head nod? He or she lifts the fingers of his or her left hand off the handlebar ever so slightly.  It's a little like the hand movement of a bidder at a cattle auction.  

I don't really know what this means for sure.  But I'm going to go with the thought, "cyclists are a mite friendlier lot than I'd first imagined."

Okay that was going to be it until Peggy just yelled at me from the other room, "How about Emmet Smith for Ranger. He'd be perfect."

Come on. Can you picture Ranger ballroom dancing?  I don't think so.

Don't get too comfortable with that picture up there. One of these days I'm going to snap one off of that weight limit sign.

Humble Pie

Okay, I"m off to the Saturday Shabbat service. And humility does in fact rain down upon me.  I no longer believe that all I need to do to become a Rabbi is audition. This guy is good. But let's back up a little before I get into comparisons.

Here are some general impressions I'd like to share with ye of other faiths.  First? Well you Greeks and Russians got nothing on the Jews when it comes to length of service. Luckily I'd had a good night's sleep and am eager to learn.

I know it's a part of the ritual of every faith? But I have a hard time concentrating on the ritual reading of anything, rather in Hebrew, Latin, Mandarin or Urdu. You know like the Bible, the Koran, Confucius, THE TORAH? And I've always felt like it's an assumption that I didn't do my homework.

I'm not much into any form of sartorial adornment. So I'm not too keen on the hamikas.  Some men really don't look good in them at all. I am glad to see in this congregation they are optional.

Beyond those few seemingly negative impressions?  I'm having a pretty good time. I feel a real honest sense of fellowship in the congregation. The role of the individual family group is very touching. And I really like the tender way children are gently being included in FUN parts of the service.

Now comes my glee. I love the music. Peggy hates it when I fake lyrics as I'm singing along with the radio in the car?  It's a darn good thing she isn't here listening to me fake Hebrew. I apologize to anyone sitting close by.

I adore the dancing. Even just watching I feel a real catharsis taking place.   I'm tempted, but not quite ready to join in. I'm hoping what I see now is just anecdotal. NO MEN are out there kicking their feet high in the air. That's just wrong.

But I've been burying the lead here. Let's get to the gist of the matter here. This Rabbi? I've come here to see what it takes to become a Rabbi.Whoa!

First Off! His is the voice of what ever diety you worship. His utterances are deep, rich, articulate, intelligent, inspiring, persuasive. I mean this guy has me kind of interested? Kind of interested in reading Leviticus?  It'll still be down my priority list.

But here's the deal Siglemaccaba, Cousin Bev, Deb Stanley, Peggy, Rhonda and other fans of Stephenie Plum? ( I hope I'm not the only man...oh, that's right Deb says John Velte is on board.) This guy, the Rabbi? He can play Morelli.  I kid you not. He has that chiseled super masculine look, and that unstated quiet presence. I don't think you'd want to mess with him on the street.

And he has something I don't think Morelli has even tried yet.  He has this colossal handlebar mustache.  It's kind of like Morelli goes West.

And he is so good with language, I'll bet he could nail down an Italian from Trenton accent in no time.

He does have some added talent I hope Morelli is working on. He sings (in addition to being a cantor) and plays an electric string instrument he created himself using a two by four. And I mean he is GOOD!

Well, anyway I'm going to do my best to honestly play the role of a Rabbi? But while I'm still out here trying to master chopsticks on the piano?   I'll not minimize what it really takes to Rabbinicate. (don't look it up.) 

I wonder if he needs an agent.

The Plays The Thing

Wow! This may be the shortest route to clerical credibility known to man.  Rabbi Reinertson?

For reasons I'll keep to myself, since early adulthood I've resisted any deep connection with any religious dogma. Still I've been actively curious.

Let's see?  I've debated the abortion issue (mostly just listened) with an archbishop. I've been to quite a few Catholic weddings and funerals.  I've sung in Methodist and Deciples of Christ Choirs. I've read The Book of Mormon. I've been to Moslem noon prayers at a mosque. I've talked (mostly listened) to a local Imam on issues surrounding the First Gulf War. I once got married in a Lutheran church.  I've stood through two Greek Orthodox weddings, I've been to three Jewish funerals, one Jewish wedding and a Seder. I actively employ the meditation techniques of most religions. And yet with respect, I choose not to complicate those techniques with teachers and dogma.

Over the years I've had occasion to objectively do stories involving all the major religions and you can throw in a few minor ones. So how is it after all these decades of polite skepticism am I a Rabbi?

Turns out all you have to do is audition. So today is the first reading of the small cast in this one act play titled "GER." Expanding your vocabulary or getting ready for the national spellling bee?  GER is a Jewish convert. Seems it's my Rabbinical duty to make sure a young potential convert knows what she's getting herself into. 

I don't have a ton of lines, but let me tell you I could FEEL THE POWER. Just let me conceitedly say I've always been a great cold reader.  Today was no exception. And so when we completed our first read through?

"You are the Rabbi!" "You sound just like the Rabbi!" "That is the voice of the Rabbi."

So that's it? That's all there is to it? It confirms all my suspicions. You just need to play the part.

I've had people tell me "you look like a cop," "You play basketball like a rhino," etal ad infinitum.  But never have I heard "YOU ARE THE RABBI!"

Well that's today.  Tommorrow I'm joining the play's director at a Saturday service.  Perhaps I'll pick up a little humility. The GOYIM RABBI! Wow!

Oh, for you who've frequented this site over the past year?  The Bullydozers?  They're......BAAACK!.

Plum Crazy

Well, yeah.  If you Antelope were casting the Stephanie Plum adventures as an HBO series?  Who would you cast as Morelli? Ranger? Lula? Kloughn?

I guess I'm not the only Janet Evanovich peruser. I've now been informed by my friend Deb Stanley there are 13 books in the series, and one without Morelli and Ranger in it?  Heck...why read that one?

And if you read sighlemaccaba's feedback you know Janet did a Plum series based in Florida. I guess I've still got some work to do. This could cut into my piano practice time. 

You know the one thing I can't relate to? How can anybody eat that much cake?  It reminds me of a study someone got an advanced degree for.  How much alcohol was consumed in Hemingway's "The Sun Also Rises?" I kid  you not.

Think I can convince some committee to let me calculate how much cake is munched in all the Stephanie Plum novels?

Well you're either saying, "hmmmmm? Or you're asking, "what in tarnation is he talking about?"

You just have to go there.

That's all I've got to talk about today.  Tommorrow I find out more about how to pretend to be a Rabbi.  Tommorrow I should have a lot more to talk about.

For now you deer and antelope will have to play without me.

 

Hey You!

So whatcha all been doin'? I just got my knuckles rapped by Sighlemaccaba for being a slacker.  Guilty as charged.  But only on this front.  I could always pull out my file of student attendance excuses and WOW you with something.  But truth is?  I just got distracted. By what you say?

Well I've been teaching myself to play the piano for one. I can fake a few things like "Lavender's Blue," and "For He's a Jolly Good Fellow" with both hands and a little pedal work.  But Victor Borge can rest comfortably in his grave. (He has moved on hasn't he?) I'll not be playing with my toes anytime soon.

I've also finally added swimming to my conditioning regimen. The reason that's kind of a big deal....this California boy....had a near drowning experience honeymooning in Hawaii a decade and a half ago. It rather set me back this many years.  I found a pool where the deep end is shorter than me whilst I try to build my confidence back up.  

I've also been on a reading for pleasure kick lately. I got hooked on Janet Evanovich novels despite being a West Coast boy. I've now read all eleven of her Stephanie Plum adventures.  At the same time I finished a Tom Robbins novel, "Jitterbug Perfume,"  the Ings loaned me. I've re-read the Prophet, Jonathon Livingston Seagull, The Milagro Bean Fields War (for the tenth time), and a couple mystery and detective novels whose authors have slipped my mind. (One of stories takes place near San Luis Obispo where my family has deep ties) And I keep dabbling in meditation writings determined to derive benefits from the methods, as opposed to the dogmas.

I almost forgot.  On a whim I auditioned for a role in any of several student directed one act plays. Well I got a part. What part? Well I'm going to be playing a Rabbi. This is going to require a TON of research.  In the words of Henry Gibson, "velly inteeressting!"

While not excusing my laxity on THIS (blog) front, I suspect that reveals enough about where my head has been to at least mix sympathy with your angst at my poor attendance.

And oh, I've been grading midterms. That ought to elicit a few "poor Pauls."  Not that I'm courting them, mind you.

Oh, and we drove up to Wyoming near Yellowstone and took pictures of Deer, Antelope, Buffalo, Moose, and Wild Turkeys. (Iwon't tell you how many. Unless you've been up there this time of year, you wouldn't buy it.)

So that's my story. What's yours?    

Book Bombs

Every day there is a revelation if you're paying attention. Today's insight for me is a WEIGHTY matter.  And I'm thinking in some way it's an awareness punishment related to my leaving the house at 6 a.m?  Up at 6 a.m. and driving to McDonalds to get me a Sausage McMuffin and Peggy a Bacon and Egg Bagel?  Honest we only do this about once a year.  It's easier than putting on shoes and driving to Safeway to get a dozen eggs. (What's the law about wearing shoes going through a drive-thru? Peggy says I should have been arrested.) 

Upon my return I am making a left hand turn angled towards the driveway.  Luckily I do a leisurely glance to my right and see I am about to be cut off by a vehicle dissecting my angle. Whilst applying pressure to the breaking mechanism I think I recognize this intruder.  But this cannot be? A U.S. Postal Service Mail truck?  At 6:15 a.m.? On a Saturday? Maybe privatizing the mail wasn't such a bad idea after all?

But  now I am further confused. As he (sporting a short haircut, but could have been Britney I S'pose.) is passing in front of me I see a huge colorful missile being launched from the open door of the vehicle.   And THEN?   KAAATHUD!!!!  Something has landed in the middle of my driveway setting off earth movement equal to a 1.2 magnitude earthquake on the Richter Scale.

You know here I've been thinking all the cracks in the concrete are the result of the many cycles of freezing and thawing.  This puts a whole new light on the matter.

So what is this colorful destructive gift from the U.S. Postal Service?  THE DEX PHONE BOOKS.  Yeah, not one, not two but three phone books sent flying from this moving rocket launcher.

I'm sorry. What is the post office doing delivering the DEX phone books?  And if they are going to do it, why can't they get out of the truck and walk them up to the porch and gently drop them from the waist?  That's what the YELLOW BOOK people did about a month ago.  (Who delivers the YELLOW BOOK?  Anybody know? The Power Company Maybe?) 

Lest you think I'm just making a mountain out of a napkin? Note from the picture above that these three books weigh a combined TEN POUNDS. That's just two pounds less than the solid round balls we competed with in high school shot put competition. Solid round balls that easily put two to three inch dents in the earth each time they fall.

Oddly this whole experience has given me a whole new appreciation of my beloved and departed mother.  As I relate my experience this morning to Peggy? She says, "Wow how would you like to deliver something THAT heavy?"  ( I was 9 lbs 6 ounces at birth.)

But let's see if we can't shed some thoughtful light on this whole issue. Why do I need three free (ha!) phone books from the Yellow Book people? And three free (ha!) phone books from the DEX people with the exact same information?  You know I don't, and neither do you?  What a strange waste of resources in the name of competition. 

And if I were an advertiser being told it's the only way to reach the consumer?  Oh, would I be furious. I don't ever look up a number in a physical phone book any more. Do you?  Don't you just look it up on the internet.  And if you are in the car don't you just let your cell phone provider look it up, and connect you for NO EXTRA CHARGE.

I'm not an impassioned tree hugger by any stretch of the imagination.  But please! What a waste of NATURAL RESOURCES. Is this the resultant product of our mangling of our  precious rain forests? Come on! We're talking 20 pounds a piece a year of useless paper lying around the house. Do the algebra!

I've been on the planet long enough to know that once something gets institutionalized?  It takes something REALLY, REALLY dramatic to turn it around. I've also been around long enough to know I'm not much of a rabble rouser. But here's a thought if someone else wants to pick up the MISSLE and run with it. 

SUPPOSE that when the mail truck comes around next year? When we see it coming...we develop a notification network?  And we are all standing out in our driveways as he/Britney does his/her drive by? And as he/Britney launches his/her DEX TEXTS on to our drives?  We just pick them up and launch them right back at him/Britney! 

(For the organizer?  I would not suggest the shot put technique for delivery.  The odd shapes would make that form of release both difficult and dangerous.  I would not want to be responsible for all the hernias. 

Rather let me suggest the Hammer Throw delivery. The books typically arrive in a large plastic bags (non-biodegradable I'm almost sure) with a handle very conducive  to the circular momentum force that comes with sending a HAMMER flying through the air with TREMENDOUS destructive inertia.

(Side Note:  I was at the Coliseum relays in L.A.  back in some ancient year? Then Olympic Hammer Throw champion Hal Connely is warming up?  Well he sort of temporarily loses his perspective on the field?  The hammer is heading for and comes down right in the middle of the bandstand. Cameras in those days were not sophisticated enough to capture the action cemented in my brain. So picture with me 40 members of the Johnny Beaudreaux band quickly warned. They are flying through the air in all directions like the finale of a fireworks show. They are preceded by their tubas and their trombones. The bandstand collapses as the ball hits the boards. You couldn't have come up with a better bit in a Road Runner cartoon. With no serious injuries it's probably not even in the Track and Field history books.)

Anyway that takes care of DEX.  For the YELLOW BOOK? I think we're just going to have to meet them at the door and drop ten pounds on their toes. (Do you suppose that's the source of the idiom "I don't want to step on anybody's toes.")

Now I'd like to say....you all do this...and the Sausage McMuffins are on ME? But let's face it.  They're not good for you.  So that's not gonna happen.