Y'all Make Me Laugh

Using myself as the MEAN, the rest of you are pretty funny (odd). Here I am trying to be very careful with my fascination of the building of a major thoroughfare in my backyard?  I am journalistically savvy enough to know I must be careful not to get too technical. I know that unless you're my neighbor? You are not going to have the same level of attachment to the issues..

I'm also being pretty careful not to be provincial. I'm making a concerted effort to avoid the use of specific locations and names. That's so that if this is taking place in Houston (not), and you're reading about it in Portland (not)? You can still relate.

These are things I've been taught and practiced over a career.  But you know what? Y'all are making me tingle with wrongness. 

One of my students corners me on campus and says, "hey Paul, you know that construction in your backyard?"

"Uh, Huh!"

"Well my boyfriend was driving one of those scrapers, the ones you keep calling BullyDozers. He says a lot of people living there are mad because they get started so early in the morning.  He quit and has moved on."

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

So that kills my planned tutorial on the various types of heavy equipment needed to flatten a mountain. I suppose you've all driven a SCRAPER, A BULLY DOZER, A BACKHOE, A TRACKHOE, A WATER TRUCK, ETAL, NAUSEUM.  

I'm thinking I'm pushing it when I tell you all about how I'm miffed at this county official that drives by and gives me a dirty look? The rest of you have your own dirty looks to deal with. Why care about mine?  And then my cousin Errol writes from San Diego and says , " I hope you deliver a copy of your Blog to that @$%#& with the county."

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT.

Well I'm still being careful not to bring it too close to home. "Be universal, be generic," I say. And I'm slipping off into some other inanne subject matter? And I hear from my cousin Bill who lives in the San Francisco area.  ( I say San Francisco area because if I tell you exactly where he lives? You won't have heard of it.  That will be too provincial. You won't relate.) Well maybe you'd like to eavesdrop on my conversation with cousin Bill?

Remember I've switched subjects now.

"That's okay Paul.  But I'm more interested in the road behind your house.  How far is it from your bedroom?"

"15 feet from the guestbedroom, 30 feet from the master."

"Just don't have any guests.  Say is that the extension of Chambers Road project?"

"Uh, huh."

"Look on the bright side. It won't have as much traffic as I-25 which it will parallel."

"Uh, huh."

Before I hear this from somebody else? When it's done it will be a virtual speedway connecting Denver Bronco headquarters in Dove Valley with the new Reuter Hess reservoir under construction south of here.

If Bill Romanowski were still with the Broncos?  They'd shut the road down twice a week so he could get his bike training in. Then they'd shut the reservoir down so he could get his swim in, and other stuff ad nauseum.

All week long I have students coming up to me saying, "what's up with the construction project."  "Seen any BullyDozers lately." "With all that dust, does it affect your allergies," "When are they going to finish that road, Paul."

OR SOMETHING LIKE THAT

What is wrong with your people?  Get a life!  I may be talking to BullyDozers in my backyard. But you are actually willingly reading about it WITH SOME INTEREST.  You guys are just weird. But, as we say a lot here along Chambers road between Bronco Headquarters and the Reuter-Hell Reservoir?

"I LOVE YA ANYWAY."

OR SOMETHING KIND OF LIKE THAT.

 

Buy Boardwalk! Go directly to jail.

This won't be the first time in media history THE TEASE has nothing to do with the actual story.  I just like the picture up there? And I'm tired of waiting to have it fit the topic of the day.  Although?  If I'm still any good at this at all?  I'm going to find some way to tie the picture to the story before I'm done.

So it should come as no surprise to us that the board game MONOPOLY has weathered the test of time in this country. That's because the Teeter Totter from "Oh, monopolies are okay, " to "monopolies are evil and everybody should go to jail" has weathered the test of time. You don't need to be very "long  in the tooth" to go through at least one of these cycles.

The nice thing about living in the U.S. of A. is that the "Teeter Totter" never bounces off the fulcrum.  You know why?  Because we are allowed to gripe up or down anytime we want.

So here's the deal.  Wal Mart is going to offer generic drugs at 4 dollars a month, per prescription?  At first glance I'm saying that must mean the pharmaceutical companies and the pharmacies have been robbing us blind. Or is Sam Walton's seeds just the Super Altruists they want us to believe they are?

Well Sam's Kids say it's just because they can buy in volume.  Uh, huh! Right! They'll be able to buy in even MORE volume when they drive all the other pharmacies out of business.  And when all the other guys are gone?  Will Sam's kids still give us our chemicals for 4 bucks a month?  Just askin'.

Now there is Starbucks.  A bunch of media outlets in Chicago get wind of that company's plans to increase the number of stores from 8,600 in the U.S. to TWENTY THOUSAND.  To paraphrase one Windy City Resident, " now I won't have to walk a whole block to get my fix."

You've got to give it to Starbucks.  In every market in the country you hear about them either buying out the competition?  Or driving that competition into bankruptcy. The odd situation in this case is Starbucks is not under-cutting the competition.  In fact you'd be hard pressed to find a coffee shop on the planet that charges more for caffeine than Starbucks. Whose fault will it be if Starbucks gets a spot on the Monopoly Board.  Our fault, your's and mine. Starbucks has made it too easy for us to not "shop around."

But back to the expansion.  How can they afford it...even if most of the operations will be franchised? Where will they possibly get the capital.  So....I'm sure you also heard today that Starbucks is announcing they are raising the price of a cup of java, etal, a nickel?  [ I'm guessing Starbucks has a few board members who work in the oil industry.] 

I'm getting into all this 'cause Peggy calls me from San Francisco about the WalMart news?  We haven't been terribly happy with the way one of our insurers antes up for drugs.  This news made Peggy both happy and mad.  She's happy our costs will going down...but suspicious that every employee of that insurance company drives at LEAST a BMW.

But what really set me off on this adventure? My good friend, and fellow OLD GUY, Gary Barkley...calls while I'm out riding my bike. He leaves a voice mail. [ Us 'old guys' don't text message.]He reports the Starbucks' price hike news? And then adds some commentary. "Paul, you and I know that used to be the full price of a cup of coffee.  A NICKEL!"

He's right, and it really wasn't THAT long ago.  And that did get me to thinkin' a little bit.  Do we think the cost of labor in Colombia or Kenya or Costa Rica has gone up as much as a cup of Starbucks Vente Latte?   Just askin'.

Maybe Grandma Bully-dozer will sink her teeth into this issue and see if she can't dig us up a little DIRT.

Whadda ya say Granny? Just askin'.

Wake Up Call

One of the benefits of doing something without a contract or pay? You don't have to feel terribly guilty if you are struck "DUMB" once in a while. (What? You thought I was getting a check for doing this?)

By the same token, it's good to be inspired back into action by someone like the guy in the picture above.  He is my NEW HERO.  Why? Well because he is not just out crankin' his wheel chair on some asphalt. He is hand motoring his little vehicle up the highest paved highway in North America.  At this "shutter second" he is at Twelve Thousand Ninety Feet in elevation.

Odd to me that when I first frame him up? Peggy is saying to me?

"Paul, don't shoot him.  You are going to embarrass him."

Peggy just hasn't done one of these so-called "handicapped" athlete stories. (In case you arn't aware of this? They call those of us with four working appendages "NORMIES.")  I still recall my ineptitude trying to keep up with a blind skier on a BLACK DIAMOND RUN at Winter Park.  I can still hear THAT ATHLETE'S gleeful laugh at leaving me behind in a cloud of snow.

Just look at the face of this guy.  (Note that his shadow is ahead of his two wheeled pal's shadow?) What you don't see because I was too slow to react? When he sees my lens? He throws his arms in the air in a sign of early victory.  Then to top that off? He leans forward and yanks that front of his chair back into this grand and ARTISTIC WHEELY.

There is no doubt in my mind he makes it the next two thousand elevation feet to the top. I'd follow him but the rest of THE ROAD TO THE TOP is now CLOSED FOR THE WINTER TO LAZY PEOPLE who need internal combustion engines to reach their peaks.

The one thing I regret right now?  I don't have his name.  Despite being in pretty good shape right now? I am too light headed to think to scream out, "HEY, WHAT'S YOUR NAME?" Fine journalist I've become.

Well, I need a replacement hero right now. The Broadcast Media loses one this week.  Many of you will not have known Dave Green.

I need to be very clear at this point. There are at least two Dave Greens in broadcast media I've always had great respect for.  They both consciously choose to forgo glory to make the work of other's shine.  The one I'm talking about now is Dave Green, Executive Producer of HDnet. He SADLY dies ofa heart attack at a much too young age.  I use the word SADLY, because had I taken my copy to Dave reading "he TRAGICALLY dies of a heart attack?"  Dave would say in a firm but gentle tone?

"Paul, the death of "Ghandi" is a tragedy. John Kennedy's death might fit the definition. But Robert Kennedy? Don't you think SAD is sufficient in DAVE GREEN'S case."

[I'd be a reluctant convert on that one. I'm still not sure where the line should be drawn? But I've heard way too many reporters and anchors suffer tragic despair over the passing of an un-named pet cat.]

To fill in the blanks for some of you? This Dave Green spends the first half of his adult life as a field producer and bureau chief for ABC. He is around in an era when stories are chased at any cost.  He tells my students of having one large carry-on every where he flys. In it? Cash! Tons of it! Money needed to make sure everything get's taken care of? 

And, sans cash, that's the skill and reputation  this Dave Green leaves behind. He always gets the "ball rolling" ( sorry about the cliche Dave) and keeps it "bouncing" until the "game is over." (Sorry about the corny metaphor Dave.)

At his memorial service? They are saying some wonderful things about Dave? I agree with them all and can't even begin to improve on them.  But I have a lasting memory I must throw into the mix.

While, as noted at his service, Dave has candy for everyone who enters his office? Yet his counsel is seldom sugar coated. But after having my copy spanked by Dave a few times?  I notice something I hope I'll always take with me.  He never tries to steal my story or my soul.  And when I walk out the door with doctored script in hand? EVERYBODY'S EGO IS INTACT. And we and the story are all better for the experience.

"DAVE! I don't know if the written word gets into the ETHER like broadcast signals?  I hope so 'cause I never got to tell you how impressed I was with that artful talent you pass on. So Dave, did I tell you about the shot I get of this guy churning his wheelchair up Mount Evans??"

"Name?"

"Dang. I didn't get it!"

"Call the Para Olympics.  They'll know his name!"

"Dang! Why didn't I think of that?"   

[Actually? His advice? Just shorthand! "Para Olympics." Then I could take my candy bar and pretend I thought of it. Nite Dave!]

BullyDozer P.R.

I've noticed this before doing stories on development projects.

Do you ever wonder why construction project managers get hired? Sure they have fancier hard hats, and praticed scowls.  But I mean what's their purpose? They typically know a lot less about what's going on than those they manage.

They are typically up on a hill with a sandwich and binoculars. Binoculars to keep an eye on the work force?

This is just a guess. But my experience is those binoculars come in very handy if media is approaching....or OSHA has been sighted. Now if that's the case, it's been my experience the site manager's scowl miraculously turns into an unctious grin.

Okay, here's the scenario.  Admittedly I haven't been working it full time.  But it hasn't been easy getting information on the final configuration of this road they are building behind us?  Recently a couple of local newspapers shared what they know. And we are still just hearing vague descriptions of the approved development to follow.  What's a fella to do?

Well a fella and his gal just need a little ironical luck.

So it's about sunset? They've been laying cement for a drainage culvert all day long.  All of a sudden there is a bullydozer, and a track hoe parked on opposite sides of  cement truck. It's right behind our neighbor's back fence.  They've got all their lights on and there is an air of stress. 

Peggy and I walk out to our observation post to see what the 'heck' is goin' on.  Well, this guy with a fancy hard hat, and a smile as big as a "quarter moon," comes walkin' towards us.

THIS ISN'T GOING TO BE VERBATIM, YET PARAPHRASED,  IN CONTEXT, AND WEARING A MINIMUM OF HYPERBOLE.

"HI! How's it goin' folks."

"Pretty good.  But it looks like you got a problem?"

"Yeah, well this cement truck got into kind of a tight spot?"

"You mean it's about to tip over?"

"Uh, huh.  That's a distinct possibility."

"Well listen, while I've got you here?  Some questions?"

"Sure, why not?"

"Is that as high as the protective berm is going to be?"

"No it'll be two to seven feet higher."

"That's still not going to shelter us from all the traffic."

"Oh, well we're not done taking the road down lower.  At the most all you'll ever see will be the very top of a high profile vehicle."

"These little side roads you're building? What are they for?"

"They are just for the construction traffic."

"You mean like for tilting cement mixers?"

"Well, yeah.  They'll be going away when the work is done. HEY GUYS DON'T LET THAT DOZER CLIP THAT PINE TREE."

(The neighbors, not ours thank goodness.)

"So it looks like you're doing six lanes up there?"

"No. For now? Just three!"

"Building any sidewalks and bike paths?"

"No. The county doesn't do that sort of thing."

"So you work for the county."

"Well no."

"Oh, then you must work for the contractor?"

"Well, not really.  I'm on a private contract."

The obvious question would be "TO WHOM!" 

But I could see I was going to get a polished tap dance.  And right now my mission was to get project educated.  So I dropped that line of questioning.

"So I'm reading in the newspaper this is going to take about 8 months to do?"

"Uh, huh.  That's what the contract says.  But these guys are kind of aggressive."

"And that means?"

"Well their mission is to move 100 million tons of dirt.  They've been at this a little over a month?"

"Tell me about it?"

"They've already moved 50 million tons. Just between you and me? They are going to have this done and paved in another month and a half."

"You're S-----' me!"

"Nope that's the truth.  You do ask a lot of questions."

"Well I write a little BLOG, and I'm kind of documenting what you guys are doing out here."

Now I've known project managers to go into near cardiac arrest with that revelation.  But this guy is good.  When I build my highway I want him on my side.

"Really?  So how do you think we're doin'?"

"Well other than a dangling cement truck, pretty good.  I think you knocked down our wrens nest."

"Sorry about that."

"And you know for a while there you were kickin' up a solid amount of dust."

"You know I think we were?  But I think we're doing better now, don't you?"

"Yeah, I guess." 

[NOTICED THIS EVENING?  THEY'VE STRUNG A TEMPORARY SPRINKLER SYSTEM ALL ALONG THE TOP OF THE HILL.  IT WAS NOT THERE BEFORE OUR LITTLE CHAT.  THIS GUY REALLY IS GOOD.]

"You know most of us along here are more concerned about the developer working the other sideof the road.  They are talking about some really high density."

"Oh, is that right?"

"You're not supposed to talk about that, are you?"

"Nope!"

"Do they finally have rights to all the land they need? Are all their plans approved?"

"I'm not sure I know those answers."

"Are we talking ground breaking up there right after these guys are done?"

"Hmmm! How can I say this?"

"Let me help. Just nod your head.  You know up and down for "uh huh, and back and forth for "nuh uh?"

"Five months?"  [back and forth]

"Ten months?"   [back and forth]

"Fifteen months?"  What's this?  No back and forth, no up and down!  What do I get?  I get a shoulder shrug.  [THIS GUY IS INCREDIBLE.]

So it's going to be at least another year before more bullydozers move in.  I really don't know what to think of that.

Now you are going to have to take my word this entry is mostly true.  I preach to all my students.  Attribute, attribute, attribute.  Who is talking?  Who is informing?  Who is snitching?

So....keeping true to my sermon?  My hand goes out?

"Listen, my name is Paul Reinertson."

You know the routine.  He shakes my hand and volunteers the two names he goes by.  Man this guy is good.

"Good to meet you Paul. Gotta run.  WHOA! Look out for that cement truck!"

He gets on the opposite side of that cement truck?  He's gone.  I mean he is "BEAM ME UP SCOTTY" gone.

This guy is beyond good. I'm even wondering if I dreamed it all? But today there is this huge mass of dry, but not functionally formed cement?  Right behind our back fence?

OBJECT LESSON I HOPE?  Don't believe everything you read in the paper. 

Hey You Up There!

We hear some grinding engine noise. So we look outside our window. It's Sunday. We see a Giant Grader and a pickup stop not 50 feet up the hill.  Sunday has become our day of peace from Bullydozer activity.  This is disconcerting.

But what is at first disconcerting?....gets intriguing. 

That's a female of the species behind the pickup. I am courteously  disguising her identity. There are just too many reasons why she can be there.  And let me say up front.  She can just be another road builder doing some special project on her day off.

Well, she's not exactly dressed for it. I believe that's a blended pastel, spaghetti strap, camisole covering her upper torso.  I'm pretty sure thats not union approved issue. 

We do see her pick up and drop off the driver of the Grader?  Maybe that's her job. Maybe she's just delivering lunch at 10 a.m.?

But seeing her gets me to thinkin' about some reasons people hate journalists and photographers.  When I was on the airport beat?  And we were out on a concourse covering a story? It was general airline policy at the time that you were not allowed to shoot on the airline's leased space.  Why? 

"Well, it's for privacy issues." 

"Some of our best corporate clients would just as soon no one knew their where abouts.....for competitive reasons."

Off the Record?

"Well, they may not want their significant others to know where they are either. For us? It's just good for business."

It's a common courtesy of the media for TV cameras and newspaper photographers not to shoot or show the tail numbers on airplanes involved in crime, accidents, and flights involving National Security.

But sometimes? From the CEO.

"You can't show our tail number because we are here in private negotiations with a company we may take over."

Maybe. But sometimes its a case of, " I told Mary I was flying to Salt Lake. Suzy thinks I've flown to Chicago. It might get a little sticky if I show up in Denver."

I'm not saying that's the case here. I can't tell you how many not so secret romantic liaisons I've known about and not reported.  I'm not the least interested in the motivation of these two being here. 

But the camera talks to me. 

"Hmmm, that's odd. Why don't you aim me over there and push the button."

"Okay.  Anything in particular you think I should focus on?"

"Just shoot!"

And I might as well.  It's our only day of peace from Bullydozers.  We don't have a lot else to do but sit on our dusty deck and watch dirt. Might just as well take some pictures, eh?

"SMILE!" 

 

 

 

Grounded

I ought to be doing some planning for class right now.  So?  Let's pretend there are some object lessons with this entry.

1.  You may not be able to teach an 'OL dog NEW tricks.  But by golly you can re-aquaint IT with some 'OL TRICKS.

What?

Well I'm out doing my health peddle? As I'm coming around a curve on the bike path? I see this guy coming at me, taking the curve, sitting up, with no grip on the handle bars! Man, did that take me back. I think I can even pinpoint my age at 8. (give or take 2 or 3) It was so long ago I don't even think it was a cliche yet.  But you know what I said?

 

[SEE PICTURE 1]

"Look, Ma! No hands!"

Well once again I'm out on the bike path?  It has just rained and I'm out here all alone.  Why not?  Let's give it a try.  What a thrill. I not only got up there, but stayed there for a MARKED mile.  I even made some wide arcing turns just leaning one way or the other. 

2. Protein is everywhere.

Peggy and I have been eating a lot of fruits and veggies lately. That's good, but when you're getting a lot of exercise?  You need protein. 

So here's a cycling object lesson.  If you ride along a bike path, near a creek, in the summer, when there has been a lot of moisture? You will run into SWARMS OF INSECTS.  Well anybody can say SWARMS OF INSECTS. But let's expand our vocabulary.  Let's go to Paul's Cyclithaurus and look for some different ways to say SWARMS OF INSECTS.

[SEE PICTURE 2]

How is this one? "MOUTHFUL OF GNATS." 

I like this one. "GOBS OF GRIMY GROSS GRIST."

Let's not overwork this. Bottom line?  On the protein issue?  I'M GOOD FOR WHILE!

3. Guidelines are better than rules.

I often preach against being too cautious in life. I don't believe we need to wear helmets to take showers or shop. I resent insurance companies, attorneys and HMOs making the rules we live by. I'm not going to back off that. But I think I've already made it clear I've given in on the bike helmet. Well it comes into play again. I mention the sitting up right after it rains?  Well I'm also out there WHEN it's raining.  I have to tell you that is fun.  It's cool. It's envigorating. It can encourage you to leave your common sense at home?

[SEE PICTURE 3]

I pull my camera out of my backpack.  I set it up under a shelter and aim it towards the bike path.  I set the timer. I push the shutter.  I race to get in frame, turn around, and head toward the camera.  The flash goes off, the bike goes right, and down hill? I go left and up hill!

  3.a Boo Boos no longer heal in a week.

 

4. Don't be an idiot.

So it's raining today?  Despite my lack of good sense on the picture taking, I still think riding in the rain is COOL, real and virtual. But here is what is not COOL about riding in the rain in Colorado. This state ties Florida with the greatest number of lightning strikes every year. I've covered enough deadly lightning strike stories to know better.

But anyway, I'm about half way through my ride and Beethoven's Fifth comes blaring out of my "fanny pack."  It's Peggy calling.

"Do you want me to pick you up?"

"Nah. I'm doing fine."

"PAUL. THERE IS THUNDER AND LIGHTNING OUT THERE!"

"OH!  I'm way out in the middle of nowhere.  I'll just put the pedal to the spoke and get home as fast as I can."

(that leads to a new experience.  Not only can I talk on the cell phone while I'm doing 15 mph?  I'm eating a plum at the same time. I may be good on the protein, but now I need a sugar rush.)

Well, sure enough there is thunder to the right of me, lightning to the left.  It's got my attention and I'm cranking out some revolutions.  I start to ease up a little bit when I get into my own neighborhood. I'm less than a mile from home.  But?

I am riding on the bike path behind a house where a GARAGE BAND IS WORKING OUT?

Just as I get close?  The drummer does a SHORT snare drum roll, a MASSIVE kick on the base drum, and then an EAR SPLITTING CRASH of his CYMBALSSSSSSSS.

[SEE PICTURE 4]

REMEMBER HOW I'D RE-LEARNED HOW TO SIT UP STRAIGHT ON THE BIKE WITH NO HANDS.  BOY I'M GLAD I HAD THAT HELMET ON.

I don't know. Are you safely grounded on a bicycle when lightning strikes? You know like being in a car? Just askin'?

If that drummer doesn't make it in the music world?  He still has a great future in sound affects.

Not Such Bad Guys

I look over at this glass of water I keep next to my bed?  This is just as the Bullydozers start work in the morning? Well, the water in the glass has Surf.  Waves are banging against both sides of the vessel.

I'm feeling this low level vibration throuhout my body.  I'm thinkin' about a '2' on the Richter Scale.

The hair on my head [ hey I've got some] can feel this electrical surge.  It feels like every tress is standing straight up.

"Oh, come on, Paul. This is crazy," I say to myself.  "Just go back to sleep!"

Well I do, and then THIS happens:

You know spending 6 days a week with Bullydozers, they start to grow on you.  And if you just open your mind and heart a little bit, they arn't such bad guys.

I catch up with the three up above the other day?  I just crouch in behind a dirt clod and listen in for a bit.  This is what I'm pretty sure I hear.

"What a day, huh fellas?"

"Man oh man, golly gee, I'm just all out of gas."

"Yeah, me too."

"I know these HOMO SAPIENS around here think we kick up too much dust. But you know what I've been noticing?"

"What's that Reggie?"

"Well that dust settles up there above the hills and creates these GORGEOUS sunsets.  If it wasn't for our efforts, they'd just have some boring ol' blue skies to look at."

"Ha, Ha!. You  know Reggie, that's just a wonderful observation and makes me feel so much better about myself."

"Hey, that gives me an idea.  Did I tell you guys I got a date with that cute little Front Loader in front of us this morning?"

"Why Langley, you big devil you.  Where you gonna take 'er?"

"Well, that's just it.  Why don't I bring her back down here tommorrow night and we'll just sit here and watch the sunset?"

"You're just an old romantic fool Lang."

"I 'spose I am. But you know I don't want to just spend the rest of my life shoven' dirt around. I want to find a little Filly Front Loader, settle down, and make ourselves some little Bobcats and Forklifts."

"Stop it Langley, you're embarrassing us."

"That's nothing guys.  You should hear the joke that BACKHOE  told me this morning?  I can't even repeat it without blushing."

"Well come on guys. We got another big day ahead of us tommorrow. I think it's time we shut our little Halogen lights off and turn in, don't you?"

"Oh, I 'spose."

"Night Reggie!"

"Night Langley!"

"Night John Boy!"

So what do you think?  Should I share any of this with anybody?

Talent Scout

So Peggy and I are out playing in the Bullydozer dirt behind our house?

Well I'm shuffling along with my Bully Lens and we run into this young person. I'm guessing he is burning 13 candles.

"What's up?"

"Just collecting my little brother and his bike.  He's supposed to be home before dark."

"Think I just saw him disappear behind that hill over there."

"BILLLLYYYY....GET YOUR REAR HOME!"

"What's that you got there?"

"You mean this football?"

"Uh, huh! You mind if I get a shot of you throwing it?"

"I guess that would be okay."

[WHOOOOSHHHHH....PUKHLOP]

" Thanks. Were you aimin' for that little puddle of water?"

"Yeah, why?"

"Oh, just askin."

"If you see my brother tell him he's in trouble."

After he leaves?  I pace it off? That little puddle was 65 yards away.

What percentage do agents get these days?  Twenty, twenty five percent?

 

 

"How Many?"

According to Desert USA, the quaint little Prarie Dog is packing some pretty amazing superlatives and dramatic traits in that little ball of fluff.

1. The Website says the cute little puppy has developed the MOST sophisticated of natural languages. It has a complex system of "Barks" seperated into different bark routines to warn of the approach of specific enemies. (i.e., 2 short high pitched yips, a two second pause, and then three bass yips, might mean a coyote has come to town.  Probably not?  But maybe.)  

2. Don't get the idea that you might be able to run one down. In addition to their warning system they can run from you at 35 miles per hour. (By my own calculation the Prarie Dog would get the Bronze Medal in any land sprint, behind the Cheetah and the Pronghorn Antelope.)

3. Something else you may not know about the Prarie Dog? It is the precursor to the dreaded "urban sprawl" developer.  According to Desert USA some cowboy zoologists in the year 1900? They identified a Texas Prarie Dog Town that measured?  Get ready! ONE HUNDRED (100) MILES by TWO HUNDRED FIFTY (250) MILES. And how many prarie dogs lived in this little Villa? Get Ready! Desert USA says FOUR HUNDRED MILLION (400,000,000) PRARIE DOGS!

I bring all this up?  Well because at the south end of this highway they're building in our flower bed?  There you will find a pretty good sized Prarie Dog Colony that I'm thinking not very many folks are aware exists.  We find it because we read a sign that says an existing connector road to the new highway?  It's going to be shut down for a year? So for nostalgia reasons we rush there to take some pictures.

[THIS CAMERA IS GOING TO GET ME IN SOME TROUBLE I THINK.]

So I'm taking some pictures of these cute little barking fellas poppng in and out of their holes?

Well those guys driving those Bulldozers I've been writing about? They start giving me some dirty looks.  Then it hits me.  One reason it's going to be nice to have that road closed?  I'm thinkin' these Bullydozer drivers (no proof, but lots of precedence) have orders to massacre these rodents and level their BURG.

So here's the deal?  That's legal in this state and several others if it is the decision of the landowner. But here is what quite often happens?

SOMEBODY with a camera shows up and takes some pictures?  Some ecologically senstive folks see them? And they cry foul?

The Friends of Prarie Dogs have learned they can't stop the process, but they can yell loud enough to force consideration of moving them all to a NEW PRARIE DOG TOWN?

There are some people getting rich in America driving around in these vacuum trucks that suck the puppies out of their holes?  [The insides of the trucks are padded so the little guys won't get hurt.] And then depositing them elsewhere?

Now I don't know if anybody wants to know this? The only way you can get permission to haul the 'fellas' from one place to the next?  Is if you get the permission of the NEW landowner. 

Now what kind of landowner do you think might be interested in a prarie dog colony?  Would it be one that needs sustenance for eagles, hawks, coyotes, weasels, owls, and ferrets.  Just asking?

Well, what ever your posture? I suppose you'd like to know the exact location of this particular PRARIE DOG colony?

HEH! HEH! HEH!

RUN PRARIE DOGS RUN! RUN FOR YOUR LIVES! GO FOR THE GOLD!  Well maybe the SILVER.

Deere John

A little weird I'd say.  In amongst all these GIANT BULLYDOZERS? The ones they are using to build this "Super Highway" behind my house? (deliberate hyperpole) Here's this lil 'ol John Deere tractor a puttin' along. He's movin' at uh snails pace, a pullin him a disc implement.

There has to be some irony here. These Bullydozers destroying agricultural land for this road?  They run out 'n recruit the enemy to help them get the job done. I s'pose the tractor hain't 'ad much T'doo lately.  I 'spect he 'preciates the work.

Why do I know that's a disc implement?  Well during some hard times a few decades ago?  I am out of work and see this ad for some farm labor down in the Oklahoma Panhandle?  So I amble on down there from Western Kansas. Well the farm boss needs someone to "DISC" a section of land to get it ready for some other next step.

"Can ya help me out here?"

"Well, sure, no problem!"

I'd been in trouble in the past for writing on a application that I'd once ridden on a Combine.  For all of us in life, there are just some lessons we refuse to learn?

"Well, there's your tractor friend.  I got some work to do about 5 miles south of here. I'll come back 'n check on ya 'bout noon."

"Say, ya know it's been a while since I've operated one of these things.  You mind giving me a quick lesson?"

"No problem friend.  Hop in!"

I don't think I've paid better attention to instruction before or since in my life. 

I'm watching him pull levers up and down, turn on a dime, line up the discs on an angle. He keeps his line straight so he knows right where he's going.  I'm starting to get antsy and want to try some of this myself.  Well that opportunity comes soon enough.

The "good 'ol boy" just hops out of the tractor while it is still running?  He just walks away in the opposite direction. You know what I forgot to ask him?

"Hey! How do you stop this thing?"

He didn't hear me. No one will ever have to explain to me what is meant by a "TIGHT LEARNING CURVE."

It takes me about 20 minutes to figure out all the levers.  And I quickly learn that this 'sucker' really has a tight turning radius.  When you get to an end of a row?  Wham! Whip those wheels around and you've done a 180. You're headed right back from whence you came.

What takes a little longer to master?  Keeping it straight.  Seems this section of land is right under a commercial flight pattern.  As I'm lookin' up at the planes?  I'm picturing them lookin' down at me laughin' their "tucki" off at the squiggley rows I'm layin' down.

Fuel is cheap.  And it's a good thing since I keep  going  over and over the same rows trying to straighten them out.

Now take a look at that picture up there.  See the hill behind Deere John?  Well there is one about half that size in the section I'm discing?  At least its about half that size when I whip the first turn on it.

Well I'm paying so much attention to all these other fascinating things I'm learning?  I'm not watching how much higher this hill is getting with every new turn?

Let's cut to the chase.  Remember I don't know how to stop this contraption?

Well just about ten to noon, I'm making a turn on that hill?  It's a hill that is now about the size of the one in the picture up there. Now this 'ol tractor'  might be able to turn on a dime?  But it's yet to master gravity.  So?

Over we all go.  The tractor, the disc implement, me and my ego. And timing is everything.  This all happens just as the farm boss comes rolling up in his pickup. I'm expecting a horrendous scolding.

He just ambles over to me with his right hand fixed over his mouth and part of his nose.  Now I've seen people do that before whilst trying to squelch a guffaw?  You don't think?

So what does he utter?

"Hmm! That's probably enough for today."

"Am I fired?"

"Heck no! But we might try to find somethin' else for ya to do tommorrow."

(His hand went right back up to that squelch a laugh posture.)

So what do you all think?  If it comes up on an application? Do I say, "sure I know how to drive a tractor."