Truth Be Danged!

Flirtatious: "That little wrinkle on your cheek is so cute!"

Real Mood: Exposed

Prediction: Terry Bradshaw will not get an Oscar for his role in "Failure to Launch."

Mirrors: They're all over the place. And they're weird. They don't let you lie! They make you strip naked and face the truth? A truth that ain't always so pretty, if you know what I mean?

We go to see "Man of La Mancha" a few days ago. [Why is it Dinner Theatres feel no obligation to feed your stomach as well as they claim to feed your imagination.]

Anyway, Old Don Quiquote is out there on stage defending the lovely Dulcinea. Without a mirror he can go right on pretending to be brave Knight, she a Lady. Costumes and makeup mask the mirror. They mask the truth. Wasn't she just a strumpet a few minutes ago?  I remember him as being a doughty old man. The tricks of theatre allow them and us to elevate their stations in life.

You know we're told theatre puts a "mirror up to life."  But how can that be when you we're asked to "suspend our disbelief"? How can that be when we're told as actors we must be bigger than life?

The mirrors of theatre are carnival mirrors.  They distort and contort reality.  And you know I kind of like it that way? I can get all true life reflection I want with the bathroom mirror every morning. If I go to a live or movie theatre? I'm lookin' for a little distortion. The older I get? The more distortion I want!

But lately at the movies, I've been getting cheated.

Familiar with the Robert Anderson play, "You know I can't hear you when the water's running?"

If not, it is a set of four one act plays, the name sake of which is about a debate between a playwright and a producer over whether or not they can find an aging actor to deliver the line, "you know I can't hear you when the water's running!"

The complication is this. The playwright wants authenticity. He wants the actor to come on stage from an imagined bathroom. He'll look at his wife and say, "you know I can't hear you when the waters running!"  Wearing a towel? No! Well then, at least backing on to stage? No! Full frontal? Yep!  Thank goodness this was all left to our imagination.

[I worked backstage on this production in summer stock. The aging actor was being played by Joe Flynn, aka Captain Binghamton of McHale's Navy. Nothing personal Joe, rest your soul, I'm so glad it was just imagined.]

I'll be honest. A little nudity in theatre and the cinema doesn't have me scrambling for my blindfold.  I can still remember the adolescent thrill of sneaking into the "Alcazar Theatre" to see "And God Created Women." It starred Bridgette Bardot and not much else. For most males my age it was the first glimpse of a naked woman we'd seen, save a peek at National Geographic. But what we didn't know? This was idealized, distorted nudity. It was not a real mirror.

[I saw a current picture of Bridgette shortly before she died. Not pretty. I'll try to remember her from the movie.]

I was around for one of the first productions of "Hair." Young, well sculpted, well made up bodies? Distortion!

[ I wasn't that happy when a male in a jock strap swinging on a rope flew right over my head.]

In '97 women in general got "treated" to "The Full Monty." Didn't see it myself. But the female reviews I heard focused more on the humor than the "beef cake." No distortion.

This isn't going to make a lot of sense, but what got me off on this tangent was watching TV today. They are talking about UCLA making it to the final four for the first time in a "billion" years.

[When I  was in college UCLA was always in the final four.]

Anyway the cameras do a cutaway to show the grinning face of Bill Walton, the last UCLA Center to be in the Final Four. He is actually younger than me. He is sporting these massive jowls, and looks like spittle is about to run down his cheeks. No makeup! No distortion! A real mirror.

So I'm thinking basketball. I'm thinking the Lakers and Jack Nicholson and his courtside seat. Jack Nicholson, who starred in "Something's Got To give" with Diane Keaton. We see Diane without much distortion.  And then we see Jack's 60 plus year old derriere. NO distortion! Just a mirror. 

[I hope the makeup people weren't up for an Oscar.]

So we're thinking "they gone about as 'fer as they can go."

Basketball to football. Pittsburgh Steelers, Superbowl. Former Steeler Q.B. Terry Bradshaw. Early on he is married to a Miss Teenage  America, follows that up with a stint with Ice Skating Diva Jo Jo Starbuck. Stud? Right?

So forty years and 60 pounds later we put him in a movie. [Failure to Launch] And what do we ask him to do? "Full frontal and then turn around and show my fat _____? Sure I can do that. Can I have a big fish tank in this room and call it my Naked Room?  No I don't need any makeup."

Yes you do, Terry! For the sake of all your contemporaries, YES YOU DO!

SO THIS BEGINS THE COUNTDOWN TO THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF PaulsModestMusings. LET'S FACE IT! IT CAN ONLY GO UP HILL FROM HERE! FIVE MORE WEEKS! GET YOUR TICKETS NOW! THE ROLLER COASTER IS STARTING IT'S ASCENT.

I do like the idea of my own naked room, but I don't want anybody to know about it.  And I don't want any fish staring at me.