Flirtatious: "Now this might hurt just a little bit, okay?"
Real Mood: Unburdened
Prediction: Someday they'll learn to check prostate glands with digital cameras.
No need to rush to the pinnacle of this roller coaster ride to the first anniversary. There'll be nothing terribly high minded in this entry. In fact I'm going to dwell on a subject that some may find offensive. So I'm taking off the PG-13 gloves as a warning. Although it's my intention to hide any potentially distasteful elements in "double and triple entendre?" In case I slip? BE FOREWARNED.
In truth the subject matter will be so far removed from the experience level of anyone under 18? They'll leave of ennui.
So this past week I get a reminder note from my eye doctor that it's time for a checkup. So? You need to know my eye doctor's name is Dr. _______, Dr. Sharon ________. Well? So I also get a reminder note from my dentist that it's time for a check up and a cleaning. Big deal? Well you need to know that my dentist's name is Dr.___________, Dr. Angela _________. So?
We're not there yet. It's not until September, but when I get my annual physical? I'll be going to my primary care physician Dr. ________, Dr. Sherrie ______________. Coincidence? Nope! It's street education I've decided to share, with men mostly, although women will likely get a giggle out of it.
I grew up in a male dominant age "proud as punch" of our testosterone. When I was old enough to make my own choice?
I regularly refused novacaine whilst my MALE dentist attacked my dentine.
I recall falling in a pickup basketball game at the Fire Department? A MALE emergency Doctor is chewing me out when I hobble in to his center with what he termed, "the worst ankle sprain he'd ever seen." I'm "tough guy"laughing.
I didn't even go to the doctor after the touch football game in Bell Park. I catch a winning touchdown pass in the end zone. I run head on into a parking sign pole. I'm renderered unconscious, and do a snake wrap down to the ground. I wake up a few minutes later and just shake it off. No big deal. Who needs to go to the doctor. [I hung on to the ball the whole time.]
My senior year in high school? I was going to play right offensive tackle in a game the day after fracturing my elbow in practice. The coachwould've let me.
"Put a sponge on it and get back in there Reinertson!"
But my parents didn't like the fact I couldn't bend my arm. I was never tougher than EITHER of THEM.
One of these early doctors says to me, "you know you have a really high pain threshold!"
"Yeah, I guess I do, don't I? Heh, Heh!"
So I hang out with this super macho ego for a few decades. Going to doctors and letting dentists put novacaine or zylocaine in your gums is for sissys.
Move ahead to my late 30's. I'm jogging three or four miles four days a week whilst smoking a pack of Marlboros a day.
[ I'll pause here to tell a story you might think funny. Harry Smith, currently hanging out with the girls on CBS's morning show, lives in my neighborhood. We'd worked together at a radio station in town. So I'm doing my jog through the park one day, and Harry comes running up behind me and recognizes my lumbering gate. (He is in training to run a marathon at the time.)
"Hey Reinertson, join me," he says. So we're a couple of strides on our way to Duck Lake and he says, " Did you see that guy back by the MLK statue? He was smoking a cigarette while he was jogging! Can you believe that?"
I had just put mine out. There are a few people who read this who are close to Harry. I wonder if they'll tell him. Ah, he won't care.]
Anyway, I don't know what led to what I'm about to tell you. But men! From this point on take heed!
A HIGH PAIN THRESHOLD DOES NOT LAST FOREVER!
One night after one of those smokey jogs? I'm out of the shower, lying in bed, and suffering a pain I'd rank up there with childbirth. I know I have no right to do that, but it certainly seemed similar. The FOCAL point was in the same general area. I have an infected dilated blood vein in the anal region.
"Huh?"
"Send the kids from the room!"
"Coast is clear!"
"I'VE GOT A FLAMING INFECTED HERMORHOID!"
Now this is no joke. This thing is so painful I'm tearfully BEGGING my ex-wife and stepsons to take me to the emergency room. Without shame, in my skivvies, I am crawling on my hands and knees, onto the front porch, down the steps, and into the van.
My loved ones all this time are doing their best not to enjoy the humor of the event. Get to the emergency waiting room? Where doyou think INFECTED HEMORHOID fits on the triage scale?
So I finally, with tears in my eyes, get into a private room and this guy says, " I'll have to see what we have here!"
"Eh?"
And I swear to God or any other diety this is EXACTLY what he said!
"I just want you to know that this is just as embarrassing for me as it is for you!"
What the _________? Come on ladies you can side with me on this one. About the time you're trying to push a bowling ball through a garden hose? Embarrassed? Wouldn't you have attacked with impunity the guy who uttered those words?
That day I became a changed man. Pain threshold be damned. Ladies I'm with you.. If it hurts, seek relief. And.....I quickly discovered, seek that relief from someone who will at least pretend to sympathize with you. No more MR. TOUGH GUY. It's time for the gentle sympathy and touch of a woman.
I'll admit this first time I'm up for the ANNUAL PHYSICAL thing? I am a tad uneasy when my then Significant Other says, "Just go to my doctor!"
But you know what? That Doctor never did say she was embarrassed, and if I complained of some ailment? She'd say things like, "Oh, that has to really hurt. Let's see if we can't find something to ease the pain."
Oh, I've been forced to go to some Male specialists along the way, but given a choice? I want my doctor's given names to be Sharon, or Angela or Sherrie.
Sharon: "Paul I'm just going to put some soothing solution in there. I'm going to have to gently touch your iris. You let me know if it hurts the least bit, will you?"
"Uh, huh....!"
Angela: "Paul. I'm sorry you've been having trouble with that nasty old molar. Let me tone it down with this pain killer so we can get in there and take a look at it. Okay?"
"Yes, maam...!"
Sherrie: "Has it already been a year. Boy you look great. Have you lost some weight?"
"Uh, huh....!"
Sherrie: "Well lets take a look. Okay, cough for me."
"Cough, Cough."
Sherrie: " Now bend over."
"Okay....! OOOh! That's it?"
Sherrie: "Looks good. See you next year."
Alright men, here it is. Play it tough all you want. But the time will come when you should lock THIS in your brain.
DIGITAL CIRCUMFERENCE!
"Huh?"
Think about it! DIGITAL CIRCUMFERENCE!
AS WE ,"CLICK, CLICK, CLICK," CLIMB THE THE ROLLER COASTER RAIL TO THE FIRST ANNIVERSARY OF PaulsModestMusings, I VOW TO KEEP ALL FUTURE TOPICS ABOVE THE WAIST. WHEN WE GET TO OUR DESTINATION THIS TWISTED DETOUR WILL BE JUST A MEMORY.
subliminal memory message: manicures are okay, pedicures are incredible, and don't forget digital circumference.
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