I had lunch with my wife today at "The Great Indoors" where she works. They have a Starbucks( Duh) with a deli attached. They have this great chili I like to match up with a half sandwich. The problem is it usually works out that I'm able to join her on Friday? When are we going to get over this? Tuna is big on Friday, meat is not. I even know Catholics who think that's silly. I'm sure the fish industry is happy. But this is small potatoes ( small potatoes, I gotta giggle knowing what's coming) compared with what I'm going to face tommorrow.
There was an oft used, obnoxious and not very appreciated by minorities phrase uttered typically in the 60's and 70's. The words typically came from a WASP (White Anglo Saxon Protestant) of a liberal bent, hoping to show off his or her tolerance of all peoples. It went, "some of my best friends are____________. " Yeah, fill in the blank. It was never a big phrase for me because to tell you the truth, to this day, I've never heard anyone fill in the blank with "Norwegian."
Despite all that, I'm going to revive the phrase with little danger it will become big again. Here goes. "Some of my best friends are (here it comes) VEGANS." I'm having lunch with one of them tommorrow. If you've been around you've already met her. Laura is her name, public speaking is now her game. So I'm thinking how do Vegans order? Is there some jargon I should be familiar with before I pick up the menu? What's the small talk going to be like? "Boy, I could really sink my teeth into a big fat rutabaga right now!" "Uhm, uhm, will you look at that okra?" "How's the groundnut with garlic mustard here? You know I like mine a little tart." " You'll love the asparagus rings here. They're to die for. And the rhubarb custard with shepherd's purse? Oh, you'll be tasting it for three days."
I mean it could really be an embarrassing lunch if I'd not been exposed at all. But like I said, "some of my best friends are VEGANS."
One of those friends is Jennifer (Jenn) Ross-Castor. I worked with Jenn a lot doing news (me the reporter, she the photographer). We were often put in the position of having to eat all three meals together. Luckily I'm not a total meat and potatoes man, and she's not a VEGAN purist. But sometimes compromise was tough. I once begged her, and she relented, and we drove through Mc Donalds where she ordered a Big Mac without everything except the pickle. I'm sorry. I couldn't live like that. It's not that I don't like pickles, but have you seen that little itty bitty slice of badly seasoned cucumber they put in there? I felt really guilty. I ate tofu and sprouts a few times, and she nibbled on some fish once or twice. I'm pretty sure her husband Dave bites into a steak now and then, and I haven't seen them on Dr. Phil yet. So the compromise must be working.
One thing I learned from hanging out with Jenn was, don't mess with a Vegan. Don't tell her your going to serve her some green chili without pork, and then just toss in a teeny weeny bit of meat for flavor. VEGANS, my friends, know their stuff. Jenn is normally a gentle, caring, polite soul. But not so when you try to sneak in some chunks of porky. Let me help you picture the scene. You know the Seinfeld episode where the soup Nazi violently cuts off Elaine because she wouldn't obey the rules? Well reverse that and picture the chef running for his life out the back door, screaming for help, as this 5 ft. 8in. 115 pound woman is chasing him with a vegetable cleaver.
Alright I'm not above the use of hyperbole to make a point. But I have to tell you, from that day on, I knew who I wanted on my side should I ever be surrounded by the enemy on the battlefield. And a warning to the soup nazi. If she asks for the split pea, without ham? Give it to her without ham.
So you can learn to appreciate VEGANS without becoming one. You can actually sit down and have a meal with one. As long as you don't flaunt it you can usually work a little animal protein on to your plate. I don't know if I'm going to try that with Laura. On a first lunch that might be a little bold. VEGANS are typically lean and wiry. Don't let that fool you. Lean and wiry does not equate to weak. Before risking my nutritional health I want to survey any possible harm that might come to me from the other side of the table. I want to make sure she is not carrying one of those vegetable cleavors. I may let you know how it turns out.
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