Deck Law

   CAPTION: "Now they say I have to drape curtains over the deck railing so no one can see me in my shorts."

  

        I once tore down a hundred year old garage. I then cleaned every single brick by hand to be used for a back yard patio. I then dropped about a ton of sand on the patio site in the middle of the summer. That sand was visited by every stray cat in a five mile radius.

      Normally I'm a pretty friendly host. But all these kitties found it necessary to leave their calling cards.

      Over time that put me in a bit of a foul and testy mood.

      Whilst in this mood one morning there is a notice on a post near the absent garage? It says, "You are in violation of ordinance blah, blah, blah for not completely knocking down the east wall of this structure. This is a clear safety hazard. You must call 777 777-7777 immediately."

      Background! I left about a ten foot long section of the East garage wall, about 10 bricks high, because I could NOT knock it down. It seems over the years that wall had been hit a few times, and a previous owner came in and sealed that sucker up with reinforced concrete. 

      I was in fairly good shape in those days and could swing a pretty mean sledge hammer. But against this wall I was nothing. It was clear to me should I choose to leave the thing up? It would be of no danger of falling.  

       Well anyway, to cut this a little short, I call the appropriate bureaucrat and somehow convince him to come out to the site to discuss this heinous violation?

 

 

       There wasn't much overt  communication when he arrived. It consisted pretty much of me handing him a sledge hammer and uttering, "HERE!"

 

       Well, he takes a few whacks of his own as I walk back into the house. I go back out there 20 minutes later? The sledge hammer is leaning against the wall. The zoning guy is gone? And so is the violation sign. And to my knowledge that little strip of garage wall is still in place. 

         I think that should effectively set the tone for:

  

       ALL HANDS ON DECK     

 

                                   Part Six

 

 

        So I’m leaving work and there they are. It’s a little pile of four by fours sitting behind my car. There is a little sign attached. It reads: DON’T HIT ME!

[Oh, what a wonderful example of double entendre. I must remember it.]

         I carefully stuff the posts in the backseat, only slightly ripping the upholstery.

         I get them home and nestled into the garage with the rest of the parts. I greet my wife and answer the “how was your day” query with “oh just fine.”

        I was lying, and she’d probably talked to the boys and knew I was lying. But I really didn’t want to get into telling the whole story. And besides, I’m just excited to be here with ALL MY PARTS.

         If you read the manuals building a deck is a very methodical, and not very artful process. As you might imagine the first step should always be careful SELECTION OF A SITE.

        Now for those of you who are excessively law abiding this is going to be a somewhat stressful process.

        To cover his rear your DECK ANALYST will tell you to contact your local building and zoning authorities before you get underway. They’ll let you know if there are any elevation restrictions that might infringe upon your neighbor’s airspace.

        These authorities will in turn tell you to talk to your utility providers for guidance on avoiding cutting or breaking gas, water, electricity or phone lines.  They'll let you know where all the existing lines are. 

“We just don’t want you to cause a major blackout or blow up the block.”

If you concern yourself with these matters to the letter? You will probably give up before you drive the first nail.

 

“Well, Paul, then how does one get around being a good Deck Building citizen?”

I’m glad you asked. My first suggestion is that you launch a campaign of intimidation with your neighbors. Generally remind one of them you saw his dog “BULL NOSE” running loose off his leash the other day.

Remind yet another neighbor of that furtive watering he has been doing after midnight during a drought.

I suggest not making any direct threats that will induce guilt, and inspire them to confess to authorities. Make the comments subtle and non-threatening so they’ll just lie in the back of the minds of your neighbors as you build your DECK by YOUR code..

With your neighbors and the bureaucracy seemingly out of the way, you are free to take a good look at your lot. I say look for a spot that has been a major irritant to you for some time.

For me it’s a dog run that, through the dog’s digestive and digging instincts, is now a barren wasteland. Even the weeds rebel against growing on this spot. Every once in a while you’ll see a thistle or two pop up along the edges, but even then the growth pattern is away from the stench.

Just take a nice long look at this eyesore and imagine it disappearing under your award winning DECK.

Well listen, don’t’ forget to be here tomorrow when we actually start laying out the site. I am SO EXCITED. You?