Deck Anxiety

CAPTION: "Where is that guy? He was supposed to be here hours ago."

You might agree with me that the toughest part of any Middle Lane DIY project is just getting started. And it can be increasingly stressful when getting started is dependent on someone other than yourself.

Now if you've forgotten what that's like? Join me now for:

          ALL HANDS ON DECK

                                   Part Three

 

         On arranged Deck Kit arrival date I am up before the alarm. I asked for a morning delivery, and morning to me starts at dawn. I warn my wife to be up and dressed unless she wants to greet the deck parts in her nightie. She does as I suggest, but only to humor me. And this is a big sacrifice. She believes early mornings are created for milkmen and paperboys, no one else.

 And truth be known? She has plenty of time to get up, get dressed, retrieve and read the paper and a slew of other activities. As a matter of fact, she is long gone from the house before there is the least sign of a delivery truck. The boys are in their summer sleep in mode, so I am sitting here all alone.

I am behaving like a child, waiting for grandma to arrive from Kansas. Every ten minutes I am finding some excuse to walk out the front door, just to look. Every five minutes I furtively lift the blinds on the front window to see if there are any unique vehicles approaching.

Well, by 9:30 AM? No deck! So I think that’s justification for calling my DECK ANALYST. He checks and says, “Yup, it’s all been loaded and he’s on his way. He should be there any minute now. Oh, and one thing?”

“Yeh?”

“Make sure you carefully check to see everything is there before giving the driver a check.”

Well, how thoughtful. This guy is really easing my anxiety. That must be why they call him an analyst..

Its 10:30 AM now, and there is no truck. The anxiety is back. I am dropping my genteel façade.  I am standing on the front porch, hands on hips, staring angrily at the street. A neighbor tenderly asks, “Is there a problem?”

“Mind you own business!”

My jaw is set and I am ready to attack this snail paced delivery person when he finally shows. It is time to call my analyst one more time.

“Look I can’t wait around all day. Let’s just set this delivery up for tomorrow instead.”

“No can do. If you miss this delivery, we’re looking at, oh I’d say, two more weeks before we can get you back on the schedule.”

So, I slam the phone down and head for the shower. Why does this always work? I’m just getting out of the shower and the front door bell rings.

I’m wrapped in a towel. He is standing at the front door with this bored with life expression on his face.

“So where do want this stuff?”

I want to go for his neck, but in order to do that I’d have to let go of the towel right there on the front porch.

“Hey, this was supposed to be a morning delivery.”

“Hey, man, don’t get uptight. I’ve got 11:58, and if I ain’t mistaken, the last teacher I had before dropping out of school? He taught me morning goes all the way up to noon. Now where do you want this stuff.  You’re about to cut into my lunch hour.”

I do some quick mental gymnastics, deciding his daddy must be an attorney. There is no other reason for him to be this self assured.

I quickly show him the way to the alley, and to the site inside the garage I’ve sanitized to be worthy of deck part storage.

With that I head back into the house to finish up preparing my personage for work. At least the parts have finally arrived and I’ll get to work before it’s time to go home.

At least that IS how I’m feeling at THIS MOMENT.

BUT MY NEED FOR DECK ANALYSIS is just getting underway. If you are into fantasy violence, don’t miss the next chapter.