Things that go Bump

Flirtatious: Why don't you come over to my place and I'll fry up some pollywogs? My toe nail chips are to die for.

Real Mood: Creepy

Prediction: Tonight no one will be swallowed up by the earth in our front yard, and we'll be saluted for it. (WHAT is he blabbering about now?)

Happy Halloween. Seen any apparitions? Just as I arrived in here I hear this tightly clustered, "puh, puh, puh,puh,puh,puh."

I quickly look around, and you know there is almost always a simple explanation for life's mysteries?  It was just this old boom box that some "ghost" had set off by moving the selector button from "Off" to "CD." I just said "BOO!," and she took off.  I think her name is Millie. She's a pretty good ol' gal. (or would that be guy?) For the most part we leave her alone? She leaves us alone.

You know what really  scares me the most? A Sixteen year old boy who dresses up like Zorro and "Trick or Treats" with a gunny sack...that scares me big time.  There always seems to be one.

Something else is scary around here.  We had to dig up a tree that just wasn't making it. I think we yanked it up from Earth in early Spring. We tried to fill up the resultant abyss by tossing big rocks into the void. You know rocks are heavier than dirt? Ultimately the granite heavy weights form a whole new hole.  Then grass arrives as a camouflage. Pretty scary huh?

What's really scary is that Peggy thinks some toddler is going to stray away from the "ghoul pack" and get sucked into this five inch deep pit. Some 16 year old sibling to the child (dressed up like Zorro), will bear witness to his attorney father, and we'll get sued. We'll spend the rest of our days doing penance on a "chain gang" in Barstow. Wow! Pretty scary, huh?

NO, what's really scary is what Peggy had me do about this pending threat to our peaceful existence.  As the little gobblins draw nigh to our front door, they'll look through the little peep holes in their costumes, and see something soooooo strange. It will be an American Flag on a stick sitting in the middle of the "old tree" hole.   You know I'm just going to refer all questions to Peggy.

We've already got adults in the neighborhood staring incredulously at our display.  They've all spent a month concocting tombstones and giant bats that fly around in their yards for "All Hallow's Eve." WE put up a flag.

"Ya think maybe their long term memories finally snapped, and they think it's the Fourth of July?"

"All I know is when we take the kids around tonight let's not stop at the Reinertsons. Their stuff is never very good anyway. One year HE  was handing out marshmellows. And besides, they're old."

"That's okay, I guess. Maybe we'll just sell the house and go live some place where leaf raking is a crime."

"Did you hear that? The Reinertsons might move!"

"Ha!Ha! Fat Chance. Trick or Treat, April Fools, Happy 4th of July."

I really love this pagan celebration.

Bringing scary home to reality? This will be my friend Mindy's first full day in New Orleans. It's also her first full day as a journalist visiting a major disaster site. She'd love to have you follow along.

mediamindy.com

It just can't be...!"

Flirtatious: Have I ever shown you how I can take my Eyeball out of it's socket and shoot pool with it?

Real Mood? Linguistically Apocalyptic

 

Prediction: Witches and Warlocks will never resort to calling each other "guys."

Oh, horror of horrors. God save us. I am so dismayed. I feel so let down. I'm not sure whether to background you on this, or just jump right into the horror. Well, maybe I'll just start in the middle, jump back to the beginning, and then slide in for the kill.

I do the syndicated National Education Association crossword puzzle almost every day.  It's no super challenge, but like my prescription medicine it's supposed to help keep me on the planet for a while. It's meant to lubricate enough brain synapses so we can relate. It's not meant, I believe, to send a person of my number of birthday candles, into shock.  Okay that's the middle.  Let's jump back.

For those of you who were around in the Spring you may remember my May 22nd, entry, "Something to Drink?" ( I apologize. I hate when news copy is written that way. YOU MAY REMEMBER! But I need it this time to get to the point.) The point was then and is now that it's just not right for restaurant "Wait Persons" to call us all "Guys." Put it on a sexism plane and let me tell you if you called me a "Gal" I'd make a slow motion attempt at punching you in the nose. ( For the GenX and younger, slow motion is where things don't go so fast.)

Now when I made my first complaint I did not exactly get overwhelming support. Even my baby sister Brenda turned against me. She told me I was over reacting. She was not offended by being called a guy. But I had hoped some of you were joining me in the protest. ( I think even Brenda agreed that the new restaurant plural of guy, guyses, was maybe a bit much.)

Well I didn't keep the pressure on, and apparently neither did any of you. That's why we are all (anybody doing today's NEA crossword puzzle) facing this HORROR two days before Halloween.

I'm doing the puzzle pretty much top to bottom. I still haven't even looked at the clue for 55 across. Everything seems to be falling into place without the clue. But at the last minute something told me to go there. They want a four letter word for...Oh, I'm not sure I can say it.  They want a four letter word that starts with G that defines "People Informally."  That's right People Informally.  Not men informally. People!

This is an NEA puzzle. That means this new definition of guys is likely in a dictionary somewhere. It probably has the endorsement of  the AFT, the ASSA, the NCAA, the NBA. It's probably already in the A.P. style book.We're dead. Don't tell me 'enry 'iggins condones it?

Why this dirty trick when I've been quite generous with my treats. I don't get it. So what do you "guys" think?

Here's one more thing I think. I think you should stop by my former student Mindy's BLOG site. She works for ABC and is being sent down to New Orleans for a week. This is a new experience for Mindy, traveling to a disaster area. She will offer a fresh look.  It should be an eye opener for all of us. It's easy to get there.

mediamindy.com

I'm so upset I almost forgot. More leaves fell off the Maple.

Please fight "GUYSES."

If you guys don't mind, I'm going to get back to my puzzle. I need a four letter word starting with 'F' that means "supporters." Really!

Things to Sip

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She's out of control!

Flirtatious: That's some Fig LEAF you're sportin' there Eve.

Real Mood: Meanderous

Prediction: The day after thanksgiving will not be the busiest shopping day of the year. (Urban Myth. Never has been.)

Maple's topless tonight.  And she is showing off her Robin's nest.  She was so fully dressed this summer we didn't even know she had a nest. She stripped a good 20 thousand leaves off this time. Peggy and I ran around and raked up most of them. That may not seem to make sense from a man who defies the orderliness of leaf raking.  But I also like to think we're good neighbors. A little wind? Our leaves become their leaves to have and to rake.

I went through periods in radio and TV where I bordered on being an environmental reporter. On a few occasions I did some stories on passive energy saving home construction.

One thought never fully developed by the construction industry is to put all your windows on the south side of the house. Then you get warmth from the Sun in the winter, and block the rays in the summer.

It's always made me wish we'd built our own home with energy saving in mind.  My energy!  What you want to do is situate your house based on the prevailing wind. Find spots up wind to plant all your LEAF bearing trees. Aim your lot downhill and your front yard in the wind direction of the neighbors you don't like.

Invariably, fall comes around, and all the leaves land on their yard. Let them try and prove they came from your place. Since you didn't even lay a hand or rake on a single leaf they'll never get ya.  I've not yet heard of DNA testing on leaves. (I'm sure it's coming.)

Our problem here is we like all our neighbors. I just wish they liked leaves as much as I do.

Someone has already asked me how I was going to be able to write so many stories about leaves? Believe me that's nothing.

One year under a newly arrived news director we failed to cover the auto show when it came to town.  Well auto ad buyers have long memories. Next year the station did not get it's piece of the auto industry ad revenue pie. So to get back into Detroit's good graces, the station decides to do massive penance. It's one of the few times I honestly went into a closet and screamed, "WHY ME?"

I was hand selected to go to the auto show every day of it's run and do live shots and stories at least three times a day. Let's see. I did one on the show models being brighter than one would think. I did one on no one under 60 showing up at the Buick exhibit. I did one on no women getting near the Hummer display. I did one on trying to find the best "pick up," not pickup, vehicle of the year. I did one on Caddillac, in a market panic, getting into the SUV business. I did one on "what's cheap?"   I could go to my file and get them all for you. But you got the idea. 

The point is, as I often tell my students, if you can tell a story there will always be a story to tell. Leaves are pretty easy by comparison. And you don't feel like you need to go home and take a shower when you are done telling leaf stories.

Let's see, we could do something on homonyms, homophones and homographs of leaf. There is, "what a sexy LEAF?" There is " I must LEAF through the LEAF book." There is Hamlet instructing an acting troupe, "... I had as LIEF the town crier spoke my lines." There is that Viking marauder LIEF Erickson who may have said, " let's go south for the winter.We can watch a LEAF fall." " You mean Maine?" "Yeah." "When would you like to LEAF? I'm going to stop. I may need some of these before Maple finishes her act.  Oh, "you coming for Thanksgiving? Let me know. I'll have to put another LEAF in the table. Maple says, Hi!.

"Piling it On"

Flirtatious: Like to come up to my place and read my slide rule?

Real Mood: Cryptic

Prediction: The coyote will bay at the moon even in June after devouring a loon.

In an ideal journalistic world a story of any merit should be followed to it's logical conclusion. Truth is it seldom happens. Even in print, priorties change. The resultant story triage may leave your favorite yarn hanging in the wind. There are many internal and external pressures that must be brought to bear to keep your story alive. Well, that's what's great about blogging. It's just you and me baby. 

I know you are going to want to follow the story of my leaves falling off the Maple tree. Rest assured I'm going to keep you in the loop until every leaf is either raked up, bagged or demolished by the mower.

Of course to keep a story alive you need a fresh angle every day. See how you like this lead.

[Anchor Rock Solid]

Thousands of leaves have fallen to their death at the hands of nature. Paul Reinertson joins us live at the site of the annual carnage.

[Paul Live]

Thanks Rock. No matter how many time's I've covered this tragedy, I'm always gobsmacked at the enormity of it all. I'm going to ask photo journalist  Billy Bob, if he'll just pan over to show folks at home what I'm talking about. 

As you can see we're not just dealing with just a few wispy leaves yanked from their moorings by the wind.  No, here before us we are looking at appoximately 13 thousand five hundred ten wisps of nature meeting their annual demise.

Mary Quitecontrary lives right next door and witnessed the GRAVITY of it all:

[Mary Quitecontrary]

It's just awful. My kids used to play in the shade of those leaves. My dog relieved itself repeatedly on the very spot where they've all been raked up. I don't know what I'm going to tell my family.

[Paul Live]

And that's just one neighbor Rock. This is going to impact the whole block. We're going to try and get more reaction and get back to you. Rock?

[Anchor Rock Solid]

Thanks Paul. Let me ask you one question before you go. Do you think we've seen the worst of it?

[Paul]

Fraid not Rock. I don't think we've seen even a tenth of the leaves fall off this big burly Maple. I'm guessing we'll be here all week keeping everybody at home up to speed.

[Rock]

Just one more more (not a typo) question Paul. You estimated  the current number of leaves in the pile at 13 thousand five hundred ten. Is that an official estimate.

[Paul]

No Rock. That's just my personal estimate. And when you've covered as many dying leaf stories as I have, you get pretty good at it. I actually think I'm probably a few leaves short of the real number.  But I think people are upset enough so I rounded down.

[Rock]

Paul just one more, more, more (not a typo) question. I'm fascinated and I'm sure the folks at home join me in wanting to know how you do these estimates.

[Paul]

Well I've always kind of thought of it as a trade secret. But I guess it's time to share. See how the pile is shaped in a circle, sort of like a pie. Well using my eye sort of like a knife I cut that circle into ten angular pieces.  I count the number of leaves in one slice in a one inch layer.  Now remember the pie is in ten pieces. So I simply multiply my count by ten. 

[Rock]

And that's it?

[Paul]

Not by your chinny chin chin Rock. Now we've just got a number representing a one inch layer.  As you can see this pile is 3 feet, 7 inchs tall. If we break that down we get a total of 43 inches.

[Rock]

Ah, I get it. You just mulitply the number you got for the one inch layer and multiply it by 43 and you've got your estimate.

[Paul]

I wish it were that easy Rock. You see you have to allow for the slope of the pile. So for each of those 43 inches you need to do an indepedant count along the line of each angle. You need to subtract the number of leaves from the inner arc of each slice of the pie from the outer most layer.

[Rock]

Just one more, more, more, more, more (not a typo) question Paul. Wouldn't that be subtract the number of leaves in the outer arc from the inner arc?

[Paul]

You know Rock I think you're right.  It's been a long day.

[Rock]

Well just let me speak for everybody at home and here at the station.  You are doing one heck of a job out there. You are giving us all a perspective on falling leaves we couldn't get anywhere else.   Reporters like you are what make this such a special place to work. Thanks again Paul.

Before we go there was a 200 car crash on the interstate, the mayor has announced he's resigning to join the Peace Corps, the Governor has broken off his affair with the stripper, and the price of milk just went up to ten dollars  a half gallon.  That's The News here at KJOY and You Know It. ( I actually did have to say that at the end of every newscast at a station with different call letters a long time ago)Be back at ten when Paul turns over a new leaf. You all Rock on, and I'll Rock Out.

It's not easy you know.

 

"Turning over a nude leaf"

Flirtatious: It's true I'm flirting with you. My name's Disaster. What's yours?

Real Mood: Insane

Prediction: It will snow this year before Halloween. "Didn't that already happen?" "So! What's your point?"

Don't know what it says about us, but toilets out drew sex. The margin was narrow.

Today our Ash tree in the back yard does what is always does sometime in October. It sheds all it's leaves in one day. I'm making note of it because I want to see if it happens on the same day next year. Don't know what I'll do with that information. Maybe drop a note to Farmer's Almanac? Maybe forge a pithy weather theory for posterity. "PAUL'S BARE ASH MEANS SNOW WILL BE SEEN ERE WE MEET HALLOWEEN. ESPECIALLY IF THE PRARIE DOG SEES IT'S SHADOW REFLECTED ON THE EMPTY BEER CAN.?" (now there are several levels of meaning here. I'd like you to spend a few milliseconds of your time trying to FERRET them out. Or not.)

I'm also keeping an eye on the Maple out front. It's started it's shedding, and typically takes about a week to complete it's strip tease. It's a real "BABE" with it's gold leaves. We get a lot of Maple envy leers this time of year.   But the thing looks absolutely anorexic naked. Good timing this year. If it sticks to schedule it'll be ready to freak everybody out just before  "All Hallows Eve."  I should put some old skeletons hanging from nooses on it's branches. But I probably won't.

Closer to the house out front we have a plant commonly known as a "Burning Bush" (see photo). When I see it in it's full fall regalia I fantasize that Moses, after spending all that time  wandering around in the sand, comes upon the growth in October. He has this heat stroke vision, and actually thinks the thing is on fire. A whole bunch of his gang come out from under a strip of palm tree shade and see Moses freaking out.

He's saying, "The bush is on fire, the bush is on fire!"

One of his followers quickly admonishes the others not to laugh at him. In fact the diciple utters, "let's humor him."

"Wow Moses! That's freaky, a burning bush. We must be gettin' close to the promised land, eh guys?"

Don't write Reverand Dobson. It's just a thought, not a theory.

Some people think I've been floatin' around in the wildnerness for a few decades myself..  It does something to your brain.

Every time I try to turn a stick into a snake it bites me in the Ash.. 

I doubt this Essay will rise to the Pulitzer level. I'm thinking the Nobel literature committee is looking for a protaganist with a higher sesnse of purpose.   But I think it's a better subject than toilets. And while it's content may result in a trip to a place where the mattresses are on the walls? I still won't be raking any leaves. It fact I might be so unstable, the HOA committee member in charge of leaves might be too frightened to come up on my porch to leave the notice. He (or she) shouldn't make anything of those skeletons hanging from the branches of the Maple tree. BOO! heh,heh,heh,heh.

LOOK OUT! THAT BUSH IS ON FIRE!  heh, heh, heh.

" All around the Mulberry Bush, the monkey chased the weasle. heh, heh, heh."

"Oh, my goodness, Maple's out on the street naked again! heh, heh, heh."

"We got us some skeletons hangin' from an ol' Maple tree. Better get CSI out here quick. heh, heh, heh. "

You know what? If I read any of this I wouldn't come anywhere near me.

"Okay, I'm comin'. How do you expect me to type with my hands tied like this. Can I start the siren with my nose? Ah, come on guys? Let's have some fun. heh, heh, heh. How long till we get there?"

"Did you guys see my Bare Ash in the backyard? Know what that means? You got any Ashes where we're goin'?"

"I know you can't make Ash Syrup. What kind of SAP do you think I am. heh, heh, heh."

"If we're going 60 why is that person with the HOA sign on it's back running faster than we can drive?"

Be happy we're already past toilets and sex. I know I am.  If I can break out of here can I come stay with one of you? No? Why for golly sake?

"Blowhard"

Flirtatious: "How'd ya like to get some popcorn and go watch them pull that statue of Saddam Hussein down?"

Real Mood: Perilously Pompous

Prediction: "The South Will Rise Again!" Tara won't And Clark Gable still won't give a Dang!"

 

Why is it I mention toilet and everybody shows up? What happens when I mention SEX,  AKA the Society for Enigmatic Xenophobes? This will be a fun test.

But I'm here to talk about what? Hurricanes of course. The wind kind, not the football kind. I might get a bigger audience if I stick to football, and toss in a sidebar about the SEX (Social Engineering Xanthippi) habits of the cheerleaders. But back to reality, kinda, heh?

My Intro class and I watch a half hour of coverage of Hurricane Wilma today. I let them vote and they choose CNN to analyse. I toss out some unfair leading questions for them to ponder while watching.

Are the anchors and reporters providing  useful information or just getting face time?

I think they agree with me that it is about split. There are a few nice show and tell pieces that focus on the video and real people involved. There are of course really embarrassing promos of John Zarella and Anderson Cooper hugging each other like they are about to meet their maker. I was ready to say "guys, get a room."

I have to pause here to talk about two of the dumber live shot performances I've seen in a while.

One is a reporter standing live in the wind at a 45 degree angle for I'm thinking maybe 10 minutes? He starts putting on a little low physical humor performance. At one point he gets hit by some flying tin, stumbles, and then quickly rolls right back into his 45 degree posture. He'd have been great in a Moliere play. Understudy to Harpo Marx might fit his talent. It's in the middle of the night and I have  the volume down. There is no way I can  hear what he is saying. That's a good thing. I can not take him seriously.   I don't know what network he is affiliated with,  and I'm pretty sure that network doesn't want us to get that information.

The other one is some guy on a different network hanging on to a flapping pole at a similar angle. I can't hear him either, but he's hanging on to this pole casually giving his rendition of Hurricane 101.  But he looks like he is about to break into song...or wait a minute. I think he's just warming up for the maypole dance. (There I go with the SEX reference again.) I know which network he is with, but in fairness I'll keep my mouth shut. But I'm going to tell you right now it's not worth going to jail over.

Okay that's out of my system.

Do the students really care to know the scientific makeup and behavior of hurricanes? Do they want or need to know that a MILLIBAR is a unit of atmospheric pressure?

Most agree with me that all they really want to know is "where is Wilma?  What is she going to do? How is she going to affect me?"  Or, as I like to put it, "how should I dress today?" Septupal Doppler Radar will not get me to watch TV. 

Surprisingly there are quite a few who feel  knowing enough about the science to do some future planning on their own is helpful.  This impresses me but does not recruit me. Being in the business for 30 years I can tell you all about a striated lintincular cloud. But I sure as heck don't want to be held responsible for telling you what its about to do to you. This is no science for amateurs.

Do the students think the cameras or video are supporting the news reports?

This leads into one of my pet peeves, the edited video loop. It's a time saver in times of crisis but it violates one of the major tenets of TV news. "Say it! See it!"

The words and the video need to match. The students agree with me, but only after I lead them to the conclusion with a persuasive speech. I know the loop is critical to 24 hour news operations. There is no way they can produce enough video to match up with every word uttered. But I'd almost rather see graphics (which I'm no fan of) than a reporter talking about Alan Greenspan, while we are all looking at his heir apparent. How many times can we see the statue of Saddam Hussein come down before we drift into a desensitized collective yawn. 

Why is there more early coverage of Wilma than for Katrina and Rita?

The students and you might want to say it's because, like FEMA, they've learned so much from the other hurricanes. Maybe a little bit, but that's not it.  Wilma cooperated. She hit an area used to televising hurricane mayhem.

I can bet CNN reporter John Zarella (he grew up in Florida) can name a hundred special places to get a live shot out where winds are blowing, docks are crumbling, idiots are swimming, etc. (I  tell the class I can point you to a whole bunch of places where cars will always run into each other in a snow storm.)   Zarella doesn't have to look for this "stuff."  He just has to go there. And the live trucks and satellite trucks don't have to leave home. And CNN gets a break on out of town dinnner expenses. Most of these people can sleep in their own beds if  they are not floating in the Atlantic.

We discuss some other issues but I don't think we should go there without a video loop. And besides if I keep up with all this SEX talk its going to affect my PG-13 rating. ( Polygon Gladiolus, variety 13) Later Gator. Don't you love that Florida jargon?