You Animal!

Flirtatious: "Is that a gelatinous rhino horn? Or are you just glad to see me? "

Real Mood: Adolescently Ticklish

Prediction: Love will live another day. At least one more day.

THIS BLOG ENTRY IS RATED 'R': TONS OF NUDITY (see above) AND MILD VIOLENCE (coming up).

Let's get some attribution out of the way here.  What I am about to launch into I have absolutely no expertise in. All of the information I'm about to share I've acquired from three qualified sources. I have no reason to doubt the veracity of their facts and "FIGURES."  At this juncture they will be known simply as "My Sources." Should this wind up in court?  I'll squeal like a pig.

Let's start in the middle.

There are these juvenile persons who grow up on a farm, and go to a one room school house. The day comes when they must be shipped off to town to attend Middle School.  There they are enrolled in a Sex Education Class.

"Now children we are going to talk about the Birds and the Bees!" 

"Huh?" The kids are in stitches. "Excuse me Mrs. Dimwitty.  If you're talking about sex? Wouldn't it be better to talk about cows or horses or goats. Birds and Bees do it so fast! And you can't see anything!"

"Well young man we'll just have to talk about that after class."

So many years ago a brave Zoo curator, on one of the coasts, decides it might be fun to have Valentine's Day at the Zoo.  He will bring the media in and discuss the love making of a variety of species.  He will be graphic enough so that it will be a test of local media's bravery to see how much of it makes air.

Well eventually the concept makes it to this market. Thus begins the education of prhinos:

While multi-layered, love making has at least two components. There is the physical aspect of romance. Then there is the wide range of behaviors of the various species.  To make this trip meaningful, I will comingle the two layers.  Okay, enough teasing.

When the female Tapir goes into estrus? Ready to breed? She can often be seen racing away at full speed from the male.  And she truly appears to be screaming for help as her sexual counterpart approaches.  Why? Well the Tapir's "Unit?" It's clearly the largest in the animal kingdom relative to it's body size. I'm told we're talking 27 inches at the low end.  What can we learn from the Tapir? Yes, size counts.  But that's not always a GOOD thing.

(THAT WAS THE MILD VIOLENCE I REFERRED TO IN PICKING AN 'R' RATING.)

Now that Gorrrilllaaa! I'll bet HE'S one heck of a lover.  Look at him beat that chest.  How could SHE resist him? Sorry to let you in on this little secret, and I'll bet he's sorry I'm telling you. He's all show, very little go!  The Gorilla is probably the source of the expression, "Wham! Bam! Thank you Maam."  I'm told the average length of time of the procreation act among Gorillas?  Eight seconds!

Here's an odd comparison. The Orangutan? Both sexes are apparently insatiable sex maniacs. Even though the male at the Denver Zoo had a vasectomy?  I'm told NON-STOP foolin' around.

"Oh, look at that little male Mallard Duck.  Isn't he cute.  I'll bet he chips right in and helps raise the little ducklings?"

Sorry again. I'm told the Mallard male may be the horniest little guy on the planet. "Hops on, hops off and moves on." That's how it was explained to me.  Put him in a human context and it's my information he'd put Wilt Chamberlain to shame. (you men are on your own explaining that one to your significant others.)

"Look at the tall stately polar bear! What a great family man he must be.  I'll bet he really defends his clan."

Ha! In the words of my source, "he is the ultimate deadbeat dad. Not only is he of no help during pregnancy or early bear rearing? He won't even recognize his offspring!  And if he does? He will recognize his kid as LUNCH."

 Well is there not an animal amongst us that can serve as a proper Valentine's Day role model?

Funny you should ask. Let's take the Hornbill. The Hornbill mates for life. ( and life to them can be over 60 years.) And while mom sits on "eggchild?" Dad runs around and gathers food for all three of them ( I don't know about you but I hate going to the grocery store). And he plays a key role in helping the fledgling make it to adulthood.

Cranes? Whoa! Lovey Dovey.  They hug (necks), they dance together, and they also mate for life. And it appears LOVE may be  more of an issue than procreation for them.  Case in Point?

Denver Zoo gets itself a pair of Cranes and puts them in an area together.  The Zoosters think they've done everything right because theseCranes, like the Orangutans, can't  keep their feathers off each other.  Then there is nest building. Oh, will we soon have a blessed event?  Nothing happens.  Finally a Vet gets in their area to have a closer look. Whoops!   TWO MALES.

Now here's a case for the "NATURE" argument of homosexuality. The Zoo decides it will try to break up this relationship.  They go out and get themselves a CERTIFIED female to see if they can initiate a little love triangle.  Well...you've figured it out.  The guys won't go anywhere near her. 

And she doesn't seem to care anyway....because as the story goes? She falls in love with her keeper.  I think it's best we leave this story here!

I gave a little hint about a month ago how I would wrap up this treatise.  You want a lover? I mean a real lover? Consider the Rhino. If you look hard enough you can find this information somewhere on the internet under RHINOCEROS: MATING HABITS.

When Rhinos copulate? The average length of "the act" (foreplay not included)? FIFTY FIVE (55) minutes. During that time period I'm told there can be as many as 100 SPECIAL MOMENTS! If you know what I mean?

But hey, that's not what love is all about, is it.  Tommorrow is Valentine's Day.  What BEAST should be our model as we share our hearts' outpourings?

Well, let's go with the conclusion I used when I found a way to get this story on the air.  "LET'S ALL VOW TO BE HORNBILLS." 

Come on! We can do it for just one day.

Although I keep thinking about that Rhino. Eat your heart out Wilt Chamberlain.

YOU WON'T BELIEVE WHAT WILL BE DISCUSSED ON THE ANNIVERSARY DATE OF PaulsModestMusings. IT WILL ALTER YOUR WHOLE VIEW OF MANKIND AND THE UNIVERSE.  ONLY 47 MORE DAYS TO GO. MARK IT ON ALL YOUR CALENDARS. DON'T BE LEFT OUT.