" 'Twas the Night Before Christmas."

Flirtatious: "Santa! You get me that Mercedes and we might be talking a little more than milk and cookies when you slide down that chimney."

Real Mood: Retroactively relieved.

Prediction: Some TV reporter will be standing out  in the middle of a blizzard tommorrow, wishing she'd listened to her mother's advice to become a financial advisor.

" 'Twas the Night before Christmas, and all around the house, most creatures were stirring, save maybe a grouse."

What's the deal with everybody wanting a "White Christmas?"  You know there is a reason most of us have migrated to temperate climates.

It's 60 degrees here today and I hear a lot of people whining about not having any snow.  Now I've got nothing against snow that stays in the mountains on ski slopes. I think snow in wilderness areas where Moose and Snow Hares thrive is cool.  I like to watch them on the National Geographic Channel.

I like snow in Alaska, Norway, Greenland, Antarctica with those cute little penguins. Those pictures look really great on calendars.

I know it smacks of sacrilege, but I don't like "White Christmases." If you spend any time doing TV news you might line up on my side. First of all?  Unless you are a seasoned anchor with a great attorney, you'll be working Christmas Eve, and Christmas Day.  If it's snowing you'll be out freezing critical body parts trying to smile on camera.  If you are doing live shots, your lips will freeze up. Few people will have any idea what you are saying.

People who don't like you will be taping your stories because you will look disgusting.  Your hair will be in wet ringlets, your eyes will be half closed to keep the snow from freezing up your pupils. Ice cycles will be hanging down from your nose. No matter how hard you try, you will not look happy. And while you're standing there with the tips of your fingers about to fall off, your feet numb, and your bladder about to explode some anchor says, " Well, Paul, why don't you give us a little tour, and show us how to survive a blizzard?"

Well my idea of how to survive a blizzard? Don't have one.  Have 60 degree weather with birds chirping, cattle lowing, geese munching, people singing Christmas carols with thawed lips. I love doing stories on Winter drought.

All my genes are Nordic, but my early life experience is  Mediteranian. I don'twant to go Ice Fishing in December. I want to go surfing, maybe deep sea fishing. While some of you in those warm Clime's dream of a "White Christmas?"  I dream of a brown one.  I'll take my Christmases in New Zealand, thank you. I'll take Christmas in Southern California, Texas, Florida where a Tee Shirt and a Light Jacket will get me through winter.

Let me rail just a bit more.  White, you know, is the absence of color. Why should that be a situation desired. I'm not sure who I'm talking to here. I think it's those of you who are wishing for a "White Christmas," who've never had one. Stop it! Count your blessings. Be happy with your circumstances. No snow in Winter is good. Watch all the wildlife taking their Winter baths.

 Enjoy walking to your car. You won't  have to scrape ice off the windows. Your ignition won't grind, begging for mercy. You won't slide into a ditch on your way to work.

One of my personal gripes about a White Christmas is having to "layer." I feel claustrophobic.  And I end up with so many pockets and things to put in them?  I typically lose half of them until I can start emptying those pockets in Spring.

But let's forget about me and my "White Gripiness" for a bit.  Let's consider the plight of that wonderful man we all wait for this time of year.

Kris Kringle hasn't seen the better side of 30 degrees all year long.  Then we ask him to GlobeTrot at supersonic speed without a roof on his vehicle.  We ask him to set his sleigh runners down on icy shingles that at any moment could send Rudolph plunging to a frozen earth that will not give.

Presents will be scattered all over the street. Donner and Blitzen will be lying there in pools of blood, while paramedics speed read their reindeer anatomy handbooks.

Meantime at station W H I T?

Assignment editor to Producer:

"'Dju hear that on the scanner?"

"What?"

"Santa and his reindeer crash and burn at 30th and Oak."

"Holy ___! Get a photog out there.  Call Paul at home, get him out of bed and on his way.  THIIIS ISSS BIIIGG."

"I'm on it."

"Oh, man. We're going to get an Emmy for this one."

"Sorry Paul, you're closest."

"What'd 'e say?"

" He's not happy!"

"Tough. That's why he gets paid the big bucks."

This could go on for a while but I'll wrap it up with a true story.

 They had a huge airport fuel farm explosion and fire here. It went on for days in the middle of a blizzard.  It came my day to do reports for stations around the country. I'm set to do one for a station in Chicago. Their producer sees me on camera and says, "you can't wear that jacket. It looks just like our competition's. You need to take it off."

It's ten degrees, five below zero with the wind chill. The snow combined with ash is blowing laterally right into my face, and she says, "you need to take it off!"

Well I muttered, grumbled, cursed my fate, and then took off the only jacket I had with me.  I blabbered on the air with frozen lips and MAY have been looking into the camera lens.  I have no idea. There is no way any one could have understood what I said.  But I understood the Chicago producer's response after the live shot.

"Hey, Paul, that was fantastic.  You just looked miserable."

Now I wasn't going to get into this, but sometimes I can't help myself. I've never heard anybody talk about the snow in Bethlehem?

I've got to get to bed. I need to be ready should Santa have any problems.

Don't forget the cookies and WARM milk.