Hard Times

Flirtatious: "Can I help you with that tire maam? Got my lug wrench right here?"

Real Mood: Catharsisticated

Prediction: Some media outlet will come up with a really bizzare choice for man or woman or pet of the year.

There will be people who will tell you there are easier and more satisfying ways to erase a "hard drive."  But don't you believe it.  At least wait until I tell you the whole story to decide.

We've been going through the house looking for things we should give or throw away.  There are chairs, pillows, shirts, blouses, AB workout rollers, room coolers and other stuff.

Among the "other stuff" category is an old (maybe three years) computer. Well, every time I try to give that thing away Peggy yells, "NOT until you change the hard drive. I don't want people getting into all our personal stuff."

We generally disagree on the level of interest anyone might have in our personal data.  Still, I always capitulate.  Well this time I'm getting ambitious.  I've watched technicians play inside of computers. I can identify a hard drive. And just in case, I ask Peggy to pull up a drawing of one on the NEW computer.  Just in case.

So I'm thinking I can probably just  find a way to get everything off it electronically.

If that doesn't work, I'll just pop the thing out of "The Tower" and replace it with a blank.  Then if anybody really wants the thing they can have a fresh start.

Well it doesn't take long to discover I "KNOW NOTHING' about bulk erasing a hard drive.  So I must move on to option two.  I unscrew a few screws, preparing to just lift that "little puppy" out of there.  Well you know what? They don't make that easy!

Soon the screws are all over the floor. Disc drives, and circuit boards are strewn throughout the kitchen.  (Don't ask me why I pick the kitchen.) Finally I have a really good view of the hard drive and I reach in for the final "Yank."  Well, I yank, and I yank, and I yank. Nothin'.  Maybe that's why they call it the "HARD drive.

(Let's pause here for a side note.  No matter how well you plan and work, holidays seldom play out smoothly.  There are always frustrations.  And since this is the end of the year, we genetically tend to get introspective. While we count our blessings, we also mull over a year's worth of frustrations. We need a catharsis. We need some extreme physical, emotional event to get rid of the "baggage.")

So to top all your other 2005 frustrations you can't even disassemble a computer.  Metal, and straps and screws, and circuit boards are dancing before you like banshees. You think you'll go mad.  Then it happens.  You say to yourself, "Paul, go get a HAMMER."

Still in the kitchen, I am banging away at the hard drive trying to loose it from it's moorings. Finally I am at least able to wiggle it like a tooth that doesn't want to come out.  Then one full swing with a follow through whack and little unscrewable screws go flying. And seconds later I am standing there with a hard drive in my hand.

"See dear? Looks just like the picture."

"Yeah, but it still has all our personal information on it? What are you going to do about that?"

I'm not sure any data can have survived my whacking.  But I want her to feel secure.  

"Take it out in the garage and bang on it while it's on the concrete."

Well, that's not a bad idea except I'm sure it will crack the concrete. She has no idea how hard this thing really is.

 So anyway I'm obediently heading out to the garage.  As I step down to the floor, I accidentally step on some of that packing plastic that goes off like firecrackers.

Ah, insight! Brilliant Idea!  I will lay that HARD drive down on the plastic.  I will then raise my hammer high over my head.  With all my might I will bring its iron face on to the surface of the hard drive.  KABOOM, KAHARUNK, SLUGHBLUY, CHUHKING, BLASTOLEUM.

Oh, the release! Oh, the joy of my own force blasting a Hard drive to smitherenes. Oh, the surge of blood that rushes to my brain as the Hard drive begins to give up the (data) ghost.

Watch the tension fly away. See the warm, tender smile return. See the love. Now we are ready for what 2006 has to give.  Bring it on.

Oh, by the way. Good news for you who gave up working on your cars when they started putting in circuit boards and hiding spark plugs? Peggy and I just discovered it's possible for us to replace light bulbs.  She needs a brake light. I need a turn signal.  Took us ten minutes total on our toyotas.

So here's what I'm gonna do for you.  You have one of those bulbs go out? Don't call your mechanic.  He's got a minimun he has to charge to cover his overhead (aka pool).

You just call me. I'll drive to you. I'll change that bulb in a tenth the time. I'll charge half the price. And I swear to you.  With any luck I won't have to use the hammer.