Fussin' About Fissies

My good friend Susan Kelley has expressed some concern about my sanity as I describe two Austrian Pines as headless female square dancers. Well today's entry is not likely to put Susan at ease.

It is my contention, even though I'm not a practicing Hindu, that the Marquis De Sade has been reincarnated as a packaging design engineer for Alka Seltzer.

Why?

First of all in my entire history of using the product the suggested dose, so to speak, has been TWO tablets. In bygone days you'd have to get TWO tablets out of this little round bottle with the circumference of a "giga-inch." Very few human fingers were small enough to reach in and pinch the little fizzes.

I must not have been the only disgruntled addict, because in time, the company asked the Marquis to redesign their packaging. And what did that little sadist come up with?

He came up with this little plastic packagelet designed for lilliputian use.

(Caution: Make sure you don't effort removing the tablets from said package right after trimming your fingernails.)

Anyway, once again it is incredibly difficult to get the tablet out of it's jail cell...and once you do? Sorry, that is not enough. You must dig deeper into this plastic concoction to get a second tablet so you can imbibe the appropriate dose.

If you didn't have an upset stomach prior to this exercise, certainly one will develop during the unwrapping challenge.

Now, as sadistic as the packaging is? Let me ask Alka Seltzer and the Marquis a question?

If the suggested dose of your product is two tablets? WHY, PLEASE TELL ME WHY, don't you guys come up with just ONE TABLET that can get the job done. As my friend Susan says, "just sayin'!"

On a more positive note. I'm pretty sure I've discovered the secret to a long life. It all comes down to goal setting. For instance, in my case, I've vowed to complete the New York Times Sunday Crossword puzzle in one day without cheating, BEFORE I DIE. (Who thinks like those guys?)

You may want to absorb some of Susan Kelley's wit and wisdom. And you may do that by visiting her website at:

http://thepreppyprincess.wordpress.com/

Let's talk snow, etal!

Have a seat!



Let's talk some nonsense.












Well, let's see....another week, another foot of snow. I guess I don't get it. Winter, by calendar, is still a month away. That's not something I would normally waste my diminishing memory cells on. But my birthday starts the same day as calendar winter and that ( my birthday) does have a quiet priority.

Anyway, we've already accumulated enough snow to overfill all our reservoirs and replenish our ground water for at least the next decade.

In my skiing days I was one of those strange machismo pseudo athletes who found it terribly important to be the first one on the hill, and the last one down at the end of the day.

My equivalent to that mania now is that I need to be the first one on the block to go dig out the morning paper. There aren't many of these (morning newspapers) left, you know? I could end up with the first copy on the paper's last day, document it, get it appraised on public television, and then auction it off on E-Bay.

It could happen.

Or not! Can you see inside the wrapper? Ski Free? The fine print likely reads ....with a 20 year subscription to the Denver Post (insert your own drowning daily) and a DOUBLE LARGE SIZE fountain drink. (The mark up on drinks must be incredible. Have you noticed the drink almost always plays a role in the bargain meals right now? )

Some of my first memories as a toddler were looking up at clouds and imagining they were airplanes, and big trucks, and other strange things.

Now I can look down at snow and do the same thing. I don't know, doesn't this hunk of nature look like a snail, a cabbage an ermine? I think so.

Down here I see the neural paths of thought inside my brain. You're probably seeing something totally different, eh?

Is an icicle a stalagmite or a stalactite?

Two Austrian Pines, you say?

I'm thinking two headless female square dancers abandoned by their male do si dos.

And down here?

I'm seeing a giant Brillo pad scraping the snow off an Austrian Pine kindly saving me from that chore.

This is what can happen to y0u when you're hit with two and a half feet snow in early November.

Yeah, sure, its pretty. Wet and cold, too! We must remain balanced. Had enough? Okay, me too!

Leaf Me Alone!

"How do I love thee Leaf? Let me count the ways."
So why am I down here raking them I hear you say?

Well first of all I want to make it perfectly clear I am not bowing to the neighborhood gendarmes.

Well, then am I a rebel who has lost his cause? Not in the least! "If I be Rakish, best beware my sting."

(Anybody who can sort out that vague reference I'll buy a beer. But to protect myself from BEER-uptcy, the offer is only good until midnight.)

Now here is an explanation you might buy. We have the only Maple for several houses in each direction. It is pretty clear that when a Maple leaf, like the one I sketched up top, shows up in your neighbor's yard? If they are the "RAKING" kind it won't be hard to find the "MAPLE MAN."

AND you need to know I adore all my neighbors, they are a blessing every day. And to be honest, most of my quirky esoteric causes play second fiddle to the good will we share.

(You know there are some on the block, who will remain nameless, who appear share my love of xylem and phloem. They've left their leaves alone too.)

So is that why I'm out here stuffing beautiful leaves into ugly black plastic bags?

I'm sorry. Even if I must stand all alone with my leaves of many colors, I will defend their honor and let them decompose in peace.

Well, then why on earth am I out here being mean to these potential progenitors of TEA?

Well, it turns out I do have my price. Being the good American citizen I am, I've hearkened to the call of the economic fix-it crowd. We are re-fi-ing and the appraiser scheduled an appearance yesterday. I had no clear picture of where SHE STOOD on leaves.

( I cowardly didn't ask her either.)

I'm afraid that is the whole story. There are still some leaves hanging around and the forecast calls for some brisk wind this weekend. It may not be too late get a good bed of them down before the next snow.

Meantime the rest of you leaf rebels.....?

GO MAPLE! GO OAK! GO ASH!

Do I owe anybody a beer yet?

BRAVO! BRAVO!

Sunday I joined 40 other talented musicians for a piano recital. It was my second one ever. How did it go?

I don't recall the author of this story I'm about to tell, but I plan to tell it anyway.

A young American Diva has just completed a successful debut at the Met in New York. Now she has traveled to Milan, Italy to showcase her talent in a one woman show at La Scala.

She is not sure whether it is the stress of travel, or not being familiar with the acoustics in the great hall, but she knows she is slightly off key in her concluding aria.

She's heard just how critical Italian audiences can be, so she is dreading the response to her errors.

But, as she steps off stage, she is gratified to hear, "ENCORE, ENCORE!"

So she returns to the stage and belts out that aria one more time. And once again she can't get her voice to master those same few notes. And yet, "ENCORE, ENCORE!"

This continues, and after 5 more encores the exhausted Diva faces the audience, and in her best Italian utters, "I thank you all so much for you praise. You have no idea what this means to me. But, to be honest I really don't think I can sing this terribly demanding aria for you again tonight."

Well a verbal response comes from the very back of the theatre. It is a high pitched strident voice, dripping with disdain.

And that voice in its best English screams, "YOU'LL DO IT UNTIL YOU DO IT RIGHT!"

SO, HOW DID I DO? At least we all left smiling.












And isn't that a 'High Five' coming my way?

Well this is not all I have on my mind. I've also got some "LATE RAKING NEWS!"

But that is just a tease, and you'll have to wait until tomorrow to get the WHOLE STORY.

Sorry...couldn't help myself!

For decades I've been a fan of Celebrity Cipher, a word game by Luis Campos, syndicated across the country. I like it better than most word games because in the end you can walk away with something you can use that day.

I, more than once, have used these little gems to support a theme we were exploring in class.

In this case I'm taking a quotation I solved on Saturday and handing all you comedians a mean one-liner I've attached for the taking.

"Mea Culpa," but please don't give me the credit if you use it.

Here is the answer to Saturday's puzzle, a line from a radio broadcast.

"Strange beings who landed in New Jersey tonight are the vanguard of an invading army from Mars."

The line is from the Orson Welles 1953 radio broadcast of "War of the Worlds."

In case you are unfamiliar with the history of the broadcast? It set off wide spread panic across the country, and especially in New Jersey.

So let's bring the answer to the word puzzle back.

"Strange beings who landed in New Jersey tonight are the vanguard of an invading army from mars."

Tag from Annony Mouse:
"Come on now! How would anyone know?"

For the record I hate stereotyping, but Janet Evanovich is WAY, WAY ahead of me on the New Jersey thing. And, hey, growing up 15 miles from Hollywood, I know I'm being bad.

Oh, well! There are just those days you can't help yourself.

Yeah, I DID have a FEW friends in New Jersey.