Be The Ball

Since Peggy has been dragging me out to play tennis every day? I got to thinkin'. That I'm thinking? ..... not always a good idea when I'm actually supposed to be playing the game.

So we were watching Wimbledon and a few things occur to me. Unless these professionals are doing a TV ad or just want to show off? You never see them pick up their own balls. And so how did they handle that issue before they got ranked high enough to have acne encrusted humanoids shag balls for them?

As a youth I had no problem really bending over at the waist and hoisting this near weightless sphere upward. But returning to the game on the north end of mid-life crisis years? I don't want to do that anymore. ( I might be better off today had I bent at the knees with my back straight all those years. Even if it was a tennis ball.)

So Peggy has a bunch of tennis magazines lying all around the house. They are full of little illustrated instructions on "HOW TO SERVE LIKE ANDY RODDICK," "LEARN TOP SPIN FROM THE MASTER, ROGER FEDERER," "BLAH, BLAH, BLAH."

But nowhere, in any of these magazines, will you see instruction on how to pick up the ball!

Get lessons from a pro? Is he or she going to teach you how to pick up the ball? I don't think so.

Now you can sit around a tennis club and watch the hot shots bring those balls from surface to waist? But don't even bother asking them to show you how they do it.

SO HERE I AM TO THE RESCUE.

FIRST: (figure 1) find the ball!.

SECOND: (figure 2) find your right tennis shoe WITHOUT the endorsement initials on the side.

THIRD: (figure 3) place the outside edge of your BLAND tennis shoe on the left side of the ball.

FOURTH: (figure 4) gently bring the tip of your racket to the right side of the ball and press that ball up against  your BORING tennis shoe.

FIFTH: (figure 5) in this next critical moment, with balletic precision, you must raise the WORN OUT TENNIS SHOE, the BALL and the RACKET,  UPWARD! All at the same time.

WARNING: (figure 6) The natural tendency at this juncture will be to just reach across your body with your free hand and grab the ball, right? That's a good way to hurt yourself, and it really looks stupid. Thereby drawing attention to your UNENDORSED shoes.

SIXTH: (figure 7) So the real trick, I just recently learned? When the ball gets about a foot in the air? Bring your racket down on the ball and bounce it like a basketball. Then when it gets waist high? Just let it gently light in the palm of your hand. (figure 8)

ANOTHER WARNING: (figure 9)  If you've had recent HIP REPLACEMENT SURGERY? FORGET IT!

(If you have grandchildren between the ages of 8 and 11? There is a narrow window where you may be able to convince them shagging balls is FUN! How long were you able to persuade them lawn mowing was FUN?)

Have you noticed (figure 10) how, when the pros get sweaty?

They just give this little gesture (figure 11) like you see at an art or cattle auction? (figure 12)

And out of nowhere (figure 13) one of these humanoids shows up with a towel?

Well, that's not going to happen on your court.

So to make ourselves feel special? Peggy and I have come with little nods to each other? And yeah, a towel shows up:

(figure 14)

The same towel.

(figure 15)

Oh, by the way! Reverse everything if you are LEFT HANDED. God help you if you are ambidextrious.

I need to get serious for just a second. My cyber friend "sighlemaccaba" from Yonkers is having surgery to get some cancer out of her pancreas. They found it early....but she could sure use some good Karma coming her way. And pass on some good thoughts for my niece Donna while you're at it. She's still "sparring" with breast cancer.