Shake, Rattle and.....

ROLL WITH THE PUNCHES.

If.....you become a reporter and stay one for any length of time? Well you are going to be out there reporting on most natural disaster phenomena known to man. I've missed a few. Let's see....

Lightning? Been to lightning caused fires, been to stories where lightning has taken lives. Been to stories of miraculous survivals from lightning strikes. Stood within 200 ft. of lightning strikes.

Forest fires? Too many to count living here in the Rockies. You always remember the pained expressions of those who've lost homes or loved ones.

Blizzards? Almost too many to count. People buried alive in snow drifts. Seen ranchers entire live stock herds wiped out. Landed in military chopper, and then traveled a quarter of mile in 5 to 10 foot snow drifts to rescue hunters.

Tornadoes? Chased them, ran from them, witnessed them, but mostly reported on the impressive aftermaths. Seen entire communities leveled. Hard to believe there could be that much force in the universe.

Floods? Can't remember how many trailer parks I've seen wiped out by flooding....how many lives taken by high water. Why do they let them build those parks in flood planes?

Hurricanes? Not been in one or reported on one. But Peggy and I were in Cozumel a week after one there. I'd call the damage moderate. And on that trip we spent a night in New Orleans just before Katrina hit. Just the thoughts of our timing leaves an impression.

Tsunamis? Only seen the results of them along the Pacific Northwest coast. If you are paying attention along Highway 1 and 101 north of San Francisco all the way to Alaska you'll see all these markers showing you escape routes if one hits.

Ironically there is one natural disaster I've clearly never reported on.

Want to avoid lightning? Stay inside. Don't climb mountains above tree line after noon.

Forest fires? Clear growth around your property. Pay attention to fire warnings. Know an escape route.

Blizzard. You'll know its coming. Get inside or underground or break the speed limit getting to grandma's house. Have provisions around.

Tornadoes? React to warnings Go underground or as last resort into a gully. If you are going to out run them (in a motor vehicle) make sure you're going the opposite direction.

Hurricanes? Inland.

Floods and Tsunamis? Higher ground.

How about EARTHQUAKES? Know what to do when an EARTHQUAKE HITS? Me neither.

And the irony is I grew in California. I know all about slip faults ( The San Andreas Fault is a slip fault.) I know all about thrust faults. (Those are the ones they always portray in movies because the land moving up and down is more dramatic than moving back and forth.)

I've been through the "rolling earthquakes", the "shakers", watched the dishes fly out of the cupboard, seen the watter slosh up out of the pool. But ask me what to do when an EARTHQUAKE HITS?

NOTHING! I HAVE NO IDEA. It is the only experience in my life that has given me TOTAL HUMILITY.

It is a sensation you will never forget. As I've said to many people in and outside EARTHQUAKE territory? Please forgive me, but I MISS THEM.

UMPH!!!

I've been working out at a health club the past couple of months. Just trying to get in shape for life. I'm past the point of having to show up in the middle of the night so no one will see me. Lately I think I've been making some progress....but until yesterday I couldn't know for sure. I can't afford a personal trainer who'd be sure to tell me every day how I am doing.

There are, of course, some indicators that bring hope. For one thing a left hand swing on the arc of your weight scale seems to mean something positive. Oh, and having to punch a new hole to the right on your belt seems to bode well.

And, oh yeah, the 20 year old pair of Levis you stuffed in the back of the closet until some day you might wear them again? Sure they're tight, but now you are not ripping out the seams to get them on.

These revelations at least keep you motivated.

But last night I went from MOTIVATED to "STOKED". Why? Well because here I am working on this machine that pumps up one's deltoids. I'm on my tenth rep of my second set of three. Out of nowhere comes this middle aged guy who is really cut, showing off his "washboard abs." He saunters up to me and I'm thinking he's had a shot of testosterone and is about to say something like, "aren't you a little old to be playing with the big boys?" Instead this is what comes from his lips:

"Excuse me SIR,, would you mind if I worked in with you on this machine?"

As soon as I got my mandibles back in place, I replied, "uh, uh, yeah, not a problem."

First of all the guy asks nice. Second, did you hear that? He calls me SIR! But here's the topper. This guy DOESN'T EVEN INCREASE THE RESISTANCE WEIGHT ON THE MACHINE. WOW, what a night.

I do think positive feedback is the ultimate reward for any hard work. But let me tell you the benchmark I'm really waiting for. What is it you say? Well it is , and you likely guessed it already, WHEN MY "OUTIE" once again becomes an "INNIE". That will be a day to celebrate.

In the meantime I need to go practice saying, "pardon me sir. Would you mind if I worked in with you on this machine?"

Just say SOON

"WHEN PIGS FLY!"

In some fashion this economic situation we're in affects us all. And, in my mind, it is not all negative. Oh sure, on a personal level I'm angry with roofers, banks, insurance companies, panic motivated greed, and other stuff. BUT! When I go out to eat now, it is at lunch. I can't believe the bargains available, even at the poshest pantries.

This next observation is probably less true in the top ten major urban areas of the country. But here in the second population tier (Denver for example) I see a direct correlation with the price of gas and the number of cars on the road.

I don't get to shopping malls very often, but when I do? You can actually window shop without being crushed by a horde of humanity. In fact, while I've always heard they existed? Now I actually SEE these mall walkers who just show up to get some indoor exercise.

However, lest I attract your disdain by trying to make a silk purse out of recession, I do have what I call a negative. These downturns are starting to have a lasting impact on our language. I'm just going to use one example and I'm sure you can add your own.

There had to have been a time when the phrase "opening soon" would have been linguistically bundled with well known demands for urgency like ASAP, STAT, SOS, AND ANON. No more is that true, I say.

Four months ago I first saw a fancy sign announcing the opening of a Vietnamese restaurant, a first in this neighborhood. I got excited. I love lemon grass. But like I said, that was four months ago. I peeked inside the window last week to see only patched drywall, and concrete. But the sign is still there, OPENING SOON.

My favorite example around here is this huge piece of commercial ground a few miles away with a massive taunting sign touting a new BOWLING, AMUSEMENT CENTER. It used to say opening in the Fall of 2005. Well that date has been crossed out a lot, and replaced with the next year's numbers. And then, I'm pretty sure it was in 2007 the sign was replaced with an even bigger sign that reads, you guessed it, OPENING SOON!!

I did a story sometime in the 90's in this area, during another economic downturn, where some local entrepreneurs promised to build a golf course along a popular creek. And right after the first backhoe showed up, so did the sign giving a planned date for completion. So developers with some land close by did what? They quickly jumped on the bandwagon building slightly upgraded homes touting them as "Golf Course" homes. AND there were some people around whose wallets were fat enough they could buy these over priced structures, almost site unseen, just to be on a golf course.

Well their homes got built, they moved in, and out their windows they saw the SIGN. First it read Golf Course opening in the Spring of 199_, fill in the blank. Yeah, and after a few years of editing the OPENING DATE? The sign read: GOLF COURSE OPENING SOON.

Well those local entrepreneurs ultimately went "belly up." That of course was after the lush flora around those fancy new homes was scraped right out of the landscape. But time has been kind to the people who live in those once fancy new homes. The wildflowers, the tall grass, and even some trees came back on their own. So now, as I understand it? Homeowners, if and when the housing market turns around, will be trying to recoup their losses by touting their homes proximity to breathtaking open space. OPEN SPACE, OPENING SOON.

So anyway, thanks to the economy, let's scratch OPENING SOON off our URGENT expression cache. I don't know, I'm thinking OPENING SOON should be required to have an attendant phrase that reads, BUT MAYBE NOT IN YOUR LIFE TIME.

Well I gotta run and get some laps in at the mall. See you SOON!

Fractured Foto

THIS IS MOSTLY ABOUT BOATS. BUT.......


"Catchin' much out here on the Rogue River?"

But you know it is not easy staying in context....so...in honor of the season?

Dance of the sugar plum antelope!


"When the tide goes out here?"

"It REALLY GOES OUT!"




"Some storm we had last night, eh?"

"At least we made it here to DRY DOCK!"

"It wasn't just the DUCK that had its HEAD in the FOG! I'll bet the insurance company got out of paying the damages."

"You know what I mean, ACT OF GOD, BOAT CRASHING INTO HOTEL?"

"When I said, 'keep the bow up?' I meant up above the WATER."

Makes me wonder about my heritage.

VIKING!

We ran into all these boats in one trip up the Pacific Coast...and I've just been waitin' for the right moment to share them with you. This is that moment.

HAPPY HOLIDAYS from Paul and Peggy.

Fussin' About Fissies

My good friend Susan Kelley has expressed some concern about my sanity as I describe two Austrian Pines as headless female square dancers. Well today's entry is not likely to put Susan at ease.

It is my contention, even though I'm not a practicing Hindu, that the Marquis De Sade has been reincarnated as a packaging design engineer for Alka Seltzer.

Why?

First of all in my entire history of using the product the suggested dose, so to speak, has been TWO tablets. In bygone days you'd have to get TWO tablets out of this little round bottle with the circumference of a "giga-inch." Very few human fingers were small enough to reach in and pinch the little fizzes.

I must not have been the only disgruntled addict, because in time, the company asked the Marquis to redesign their packaging. And what did that little sadist come up with?

He came up with this little plastic packagelet designed for lilliputian use.

(Caution: Make sure you don't effort removing the tablets from said package right after trimming your fingernails.)

Anyway, once again it is incredibly difficult to get the tablet out of it's jail cell...and once you do? Sorry, that is not enough. You must dig deeper into this plastic concoction to get a second tablet so you can imbibe the appropriate dose.

If you didn't have an upset stomach prior to this exercise, certainly one will develop during the unwrapping challenge.

Now, as sadistic as the packaging is? Let me ask Alka Seltzer and the Marquis a question?

If the suggested dose of your product is two tablets? WHY, PLEASE TELL ME WHY, don't you guys come up with just ONE TABLET that can get the job done. As my friend Susan says, "just sayin'!"

On a more positive note. I'm pretty sure I've discovered the secret to a long life. It all comes down to goal setting. For instance, in my case, I've vowed to complete the New York Times Sunday Crossword puzzle in one day without cheating, BEFORE I DIE. (Who thinks like those guys?)

You may want to absorb some of Susan Kelley's wit and wisdom. And you may do that by visiting her website at:

http://thepreppyprincess.wordpress.com/

Let's talk snow, etal!

Have a seat!



Let's talk some nonsense.












Well, let's see....another week, another foot of snow. I guess I don't get it. Winter, by calendar, is still a month away. That's not something I would normally waste my diminishing memory cells on. But my birthday starts the same day as calendar winter and that ( my birthday) does have a quiet priority.

Anyway, we've already accumulated enough snow to overfill all our reservoirs and replenish our ground water for at least the next decade.

In my skiing days I was one of those strange machismo pseudo athletes who found it terribly important to be the first one on the hill, and the last one down at the end of the day.

My equivalent to that mania now is that I need to be the first one on the block to go dig out the morning paper. There aren't many of these (morning newspapers) left, you know? I could end up with the first copy on the paper's last day, document it, get it appraised on public television, and then auction it off on E-Bay.

It could happen.

Or not! Can you see inside the wrapper? Ski Free? The fine print likely reads ....with a 20 year subscription to the Denver Post (insert your own drowning daily) and a DOUBLE LARGE SIZE fountain drink. (The mark up on drinks must be incredible. Have you noticed the drink almost always plays a role in the bargain meals right now? )

Some of my first memories as a toddler were looking up at clouds and imagining they were airplanes, and big trucks, and other strange things.

Now I can look down at snow and do the same thing. I don't know, doesn't this hunk of nature look like a snail, a cabbage an ermine? I think so.

Down here I see the neural paths of thought inside my brain. You're probably seeing something totally different, eh?

Is an icicle a stalagmite or a stalactite?

Two Austrian Pines, you say?

I'm thinking two headless female square dancers abandoned by their male do si dos.

And down here?

I'm seeing a giant Brillo pad scraping the snow off an Austrian Pine kindly saving me from that chore.

This is what can happen to y0u when you're hit with two and a half feet snow in early November.

Yeah, sure, its pretty. Wet and cold, too! We must remain balanced. Had enough? Okay, me too!

Leaf Me Alone!

"How do I love thee Leaf? Let me count the ways."
So why am I down here raking them I hear you say?

Well first of all I want to make it perfectly clear I am not bowing to the neighborhood gendarmes.

Well, then am I a rebel who has lost his cause? Not in the least! "If I be Rakish, best beware my sting."

(Anybody who can sort out that vague reference I'll buy a beer. But to protect myself from BEER-uptcy, the offer is only good until midnight.)

Now here is an explanation you might buy. We have the only Maple for several houses in each direction. It is pretty clear that when a Maple leaf, like the one I sketched up top, shows up in your neighbor's yard? If they are the "RAKING" kind it won't be hard to find the "MAPLE MAN."

AND you need to know I adore all my neighbors, they are a blessing every day. And to be honest, most of my quirky esoteric causes play second fiddle to the good will we share.

(You know there are some on the block, who will remain nameless, who appear share my love of xylem and phloem. They've left their leaves alone too.)

So is that why I'm out here stuffing beautiful leaves into ugly black plastic bags?

I'm sorry. Even if I must stand all alone with my leaves of many colors, I will defend their honor and let them decompose in peace.

Well, then why on earth am I out here being mean to these potential progenitors of TEA?

Well, it turns out I do have my price. Being the good American citizen I am, I've hearkened to the call of the economic fix-it crowd. We are re-fi-ing and the appraiser scheduled an appearance yesterday. I had no clear picture of where SHE STOOD on leaves.

( I cowardly didn't ask her either.)

I'm afraid that is the whole story. There are still some leaves hanging around and the forecast calls for some brisk wind this weekend. It may not be too late get a good bed of them down before the next snow.

Meantime the rest of you leaf rebels.....?

GO MAPLE! GO OAK! GO ASH!

Do I owe anybody a beer yet?