Pretty Hairy

No that is not me...just a friend of mine I met in Morro Bay, California about ten years ago. While not me? You'll note the big guy is sporting some facial hair? And if truth be told? So am I!

Still!

I've much to add, but I'm facing an interruption at the present time. Please pop back in later for some very deep bearded disCOARSE.

I'm back. No I didn't shave. What I did do to the chagrin of Peggy and Merrie Nellie (the only two upfront enough to say, "PAUL! GET RID OF IT NOW")?

Sorry ladies. NOW is going to have to wait. You see I went out and bought a beard trimmer. And yet some may be pleased to know I bought the cheapest one on the rack. It'll be very lucky to outlast the beard.

I've learned a great deal about cranial (head and/or skull) and mandibular (chin) hair over the past month.For one?

It now makes perfect sense that a man would grow a beard (or a woman don a wig) to hide one's identity. With no effort at all on my part I've very quickly become anonymous in many circles. And in some of those circles we're talking about people I've worked with face to face for decades. You get a strange look that says, " hmmm, he looks a little familiar." But then the looker shakes its head, turns away saying, " nah, just couldn't be."

I think all men in witness protection programs should be wearing beards. It's a lot cheaper than plastic surgery they tell me, and clearly just as effective.

Something else I've noticed is that all adult males, regardless of race, creed or sexual orientation, grow hair in exactly the same places. And I have to tell you I believe it leads to a stifling of creativity. I'm finding there are just a few variations on the theme.

My current style appears to be the most popular. Let the hair grow everywhere it will, but shave your neck to make it look like you care.

There is the one that shaves the chin and squares off the long sideburns. I'm thinking in their case they've got some areas around the mouth and chin that aren't very fertile. They tend to play side kicks in cowboy movies.

Then there is the goatee which surrounds the mouth. I'm thinking these guys are just really proud of their lips and want to hide a scar on the chin where they hit the diving board.

And, oh, there is the "let 'er rip" version. They are all descendants of Rip Van Winkle I'm told. Shaving and trimming is outlawed in the Van Winkle family, and a number of religious sects.

Then there are about five beard compromises we call mustaches.

There is the thin line of hair above the lip, sometime long enough to form an arc on the edges of the nose. It is quite often associated with evil and sinisterism, i.e. Snidely Whiplash.

There is the big old Handle Bar Mustache popularized in my generation my Wilford Brimely. It gives you something to twist while you dispense your rural wisdom.

There is the thick but short cropped mustache above the lip that puzzles me. It just looks like it is unfinished.

It has clearly been cloned from nature. The Walrus comes to mind.

There is what I like to call "The Drip." There are men who see style in growing out just that little patch of unruly hair right below the lip. Once again I've seen it's parallel in nature, but wonder about the first MAN who thought that would be cool.

Then there is one that defies a clear distinction. It is just maybe seven or eight hairs stretched out above the upper lip. It always looks like someone tried to shave in the dark. But, you'll see that same creation on the same person day in and day out. It's is typically seen on guys acting out tough. It seems a strange case of over compensation.

So, anyway, I've still got a little playing around to do. I'm going to wear this thing to the Metro State Graduation ceremonies on Sunday and see if any of my former students can pick me out of a crowd. After that? Who knows?

Don't you want to see a guy who broke the mold and truly made his beard a work of art.

I sketched this guy on light rail a few years ago and I think you can see why.