I Forget....

how to do this. In preaching that the REAL NEWS is always a block away, I ALWAYS find it is best to use an example. So here goes!

 

 

Sure we took a nice trip on Spring Break. We saw some wonderful sights, ate some wonderful food, walked in some wonderful tide pools, kicked up some wonderful sand.  But you know what?  If I hadn't been paying attention I'd have missed the REAL NEWS!

In case you've never been there, Oregon is a GREEN state, both real and figurative. At the Eugene, Oregon airport, I assume to be envrionmentally pure, all the lights are OUT in the restrooms.  They (the lights ) pop on automatically as you enter. It is as  if you are making a stage appearance at the beginning of ACT 1. 

They also automatically dispense soap to make sure you don't get more than your fair share.  I'm pretty sure they still use two ply toilet paper.

Now as interesting as this trip to the john  may be,  it is still not THE REAL STORY. This description merely sets the mood.  We LISTEN to, and WATCH and sometimes READ the news. We know the price of a gallon of gas is approaching four bucks. So being both frugal, and GOOD CITIZENS we tell Hertz we want a COMPACT.  I think the brochure says we'll get a Ford Focus.  But reality hands us this mode of transportation, a CHEVY COBALT.

 

 

Surprisingly it has more leg room than the plane we flew in on. The acceleration isn't bad. I certainly wouldn't want to play bumper cars with a lumber truck in it.  But I digress.  We are getting closer to the REAL STORY.

 

Follow this routine with me.  You grab your keys with the remote automatic door lock. You push the open button and get that funny little noise that tells you, "YOU ARE NOW FREE TO ENTER THE VEHICLE!"

You slide in behind the adjustable steering wheel, and put your keys in the ignition.  Meantime your mate hears that familiar "the door is unlocked 'ding ding'."  She/he slides into the shotgun seat, shuts the door. You crank the engine once, hit the accelerator until you get up to a comfortable speed, and then set the cruise control.

With this particular COBALT? Uh, uh. Nothing is automatic. It is like revisiting the '50's. I mean get this.  I have to actually put the key into the hole in the side of the door and turn it.

 

 

 

Once inside?  If I want Peggy to join me?  I can't slide my hand down to push the universal electronic door lock. NO! I have to do a lateral reach across the seat further and more strenuous than you'd have to do in an extreme yoga class.  Why? To push the automatic passenger side door lock control?  NO SUCH THING.  I have to reach to the furthest horizontal distance I can manage. Then using my thumb and index finger I must find the strength to vertically lift this stick like device upward while Peggy waits, not so patiently, outside in the rain.

 

 

So HERE IS THE REAL NEWS, at least the first part of it. We are evolving.  And like the tailbone, the tonsil, the appendix and the baby toe, we are slowly giving up the functionality of our upper limbs.  Let me ask you this.  What exercise, what machine, what physical fitness routine trains us to perform this manual unlocking of the door business?  None that I know of.  But that is not the most dramatic twist of THIS REAL NEWS STORY, that is a block away.

Once inside and settled down, I am looking for a little fresh air?  So I reach for the lever that makes the windows go down?  Look at this thing. 

 

 

 

I reach down with my left hand, grab this little device that looks like an ancient butter churn handle, and begin the process of manually lowering the glass. When I've completed the task  my elbow hurts, my wrist hurts, my thumb and forefinger are cramped.  And then I get to thinking.  What do I do in a day that involves this particular distorted rotary motion? Nothing! What do I do in a month that would call up on me to move my arm like the cam that moves the wheels on an old steam engine.  Nothing!  I'm going to lose that function. So are you.  I don't even know of a dance that calls for such a gyration.  SO THAT'S THE REAL NEWS.

 

But not all of it.  Remember MEN when we had to open the door on the passenger side for our dates and mates?  Well with the COBALT, ITSSSS BAAACK. Peggy, holding two cups of coffee in the rain, is in no mood to have me practice my door lock stretch move,  followed by the butter churn crank maneuver.  "OPEN THIS @#%%#^& DOOR NOW!" might be pretty close to a verbatim quote.

 

 

So, like it or not, we are evolving both physically and cuturally.  And, outside of Oregon and a Chevy Cobalt, I don't really care if I can ever manually unlock a door, roll down a window or romantically open the door for Peggy.  I don't know how she feels about it. AND THAT MAY BE THE REAL NEWS!