I got a gripe

Flirtatious: What would happen if one of you Palace Guards smiled?  How about I tickle you right under the arm.

Real Mood: Facetiously incensed

Prediction: The next war between the U.S. and the British Empire will be a war of words.

This a story that's older than me, but I use it a lot to make a point. I'll be honest. I've updated it language wise, and applied a little self censorship so I can keep that PG 13 rating. Here's how old it is. I believe it was in Danny Thomas' standup routine in Chicago in the 50s.

So there is a Britisher wrapping up a fortnight stay in New York City. In the cab on the way to JFK it dawns on our Englishman, Reggie, " I don't have a bit of American humor to share with the chappies back at the club in London. I say cabbie is there an American joke in your tourist repertoire you might relate to me as we drive."

"Well, Mac, I ain't too good at jokes. But I could tells you a riddle."

"Pray do. Names Reggie, not Mac.:

"Okay Mac, it goes something like this.  Der's dese tree guys on a corner. One guy's on foot. One guy's on a bike. Duh tird guy's on a horse. Got dat?

"Yes, I believe I do."

"Okay deys all der on the corner, and dis broad comes walkin' by. Question is, here it comes now, which one of dese guys knew duh broad?"

"That is a tough one sir, it certainly is. I'll never guess in a millenium. Pray tell me the answer so I can share it with the chaps back at the club."

"Okay, Buddy. It's easy. The Horse man Knew 'er, heh, heh."

"Heh, heh, yes sir. Wonderful little riddle there. The chaps will be delighted. Names Reggie, not Buddy."

Reggie is so excited to share his new found humor he upgrades his flight to one last empty seat on the SST. He thinks he may burst before he's able to share this riddle.

Routine would have Reggie get off the plane, and immediately ring up his bride to let her know she should meet him at Kinsington Station.  Routine be damned. Reggie was heading for the club.  He arrives almost out of breath from excitement. Standing right in the middle of the Library swathed in leather, he boldly announces, "gather round chappies. I've a bit of American humor to share with you."

"Very well Reggie, proceed."

"Well there are these three gentlemen at a circus intersection. They are in no particular order, a pedestrian, a cyclist, and an equestrian."

"Yes, we have that Reggie. Go on."

"Well this delightful young lady passes by catching the eyes of our three gentlemen.  Well, the riddle question gents is which one of the gentlemen was actually acquainted with the woman."

"My, my Reggie, that's a dastardly poser. I'm not sure we've the time to ponder the response. I believe you are  just going to have to break code and tell us. Which gentleman was it Reggie?

"Well the equestrian knew her, but the answer is 'Horse Puckey', and I really don't get it myself.

This type of humor always gives all the sophistication to the British. Well, to that I say horse puckey. Ever since that seemingly nationless reportress Christianne Amanpour got into our network studios, we've been bending down to accept, and even at times adopt, British Empire slang. Example?

"The victims were flown to hospital."

My English teacher would have rapped my knuckles for leaving out the article, 'the.'  It makes me think I'm in the presence of a mother and her curious three year old daughter.

"Mommy, where Daddy?"

"Daddy went to hospital sweety."

"Me need pee Mommy!?"

"Where we go then sugar?"

"Go to toilet mommy. Daddy pee when go to hospital, mommy?"

" Not a doubt in my mind. Why else go to hospital. "

Come you CNN'rs, and all you network bureau reporters. Let Christianne be Christianne. Let's retrieve our 'the's. We won that war. They should be copying us, don't ya think Mac.