UMPH!!!

I've been working out at a health club the past couple of months. Just trying to get in shape for life. I'm past the point of having to show up in the middle of the night so no one will see me. Lately I think I've been making some progress....but until yesterday I couldn't know for sure. I can't afford a personal trainer who'd be sure to tell me every day how I am doing.

There are, of course, some indicators that bring hope. For one thing a left hand swing on the arc of your weight scale seems to mean something positive. Oh, and having to punch a new hole to the right on your belt seems to bode well.

And, oh yeah, the 20 year old pair of Levis you stuffed in the back of the closet until some day you might wear them again? Sure they're tight, but now you are not ripping out the seams to get them on.

These revelations at least keep you motivated.

But last night I went from MOTIVATED to "STOKED". Why? Well because here I am working on this machine that pumps up one's deltoids. I'm on my tenth rep of my second set of three. Out of nowhere comes this middle aged guy who is really cut, showing off his "washboard abs." He saunters up to me and I'm thinking he's had a shot of testosterone and is about to say something like, "aren't you a little old to be playing with the big boys?" Instead this is what comes from his lips:

"Excuse me SIR,, would you mind if I worked in with you on this machine?"

As soon as I got my mandibles back in place, I replied, "uh, uh, yeah, not a problem."

First of all the guy asks nice. Second, did you hear that? He calls me SIR! But here's the topper. This guy DOESN'T EVEN INCREASE THE RESISTANCE WEIGHT ON THE MACHINE. WOW, what a night.

I do think positive feedback is the ultimate reward for any hard work. But let me tell you the benchmark I'm really waiting for. What is it you say? Well it is , and you likely guessed it already, WHEN MY "OUTIE" once again becomes an "INNIE". That will be a day to celebrate.

In the meantime I need to go practice saying, "pardon me sir. Would you mind if I worked in with you on this machine?"

Just say SOON

"WHEN PIGS FLY!"

In some fashion this economic situation we're in affects us all. And, in my mind, it is not all negative. Oh sure, on a personal level I'm angry with roofers, banks, insurance companies, panic motivated greed, and other stuff. BUT! When I go out to eat now, it is at lunch. I can't believe the bargains available, even at the poshest pantries.

This next observation is probably less true in the top ten major urban areas of the country. But here in the second population tier (Denver for example) I see a direct correlation with the price of gas and the number of cars on the road.

I don't get to shopping malls very often, but when I do? You can actually window shop without being crushed by a horde of humanity. In fact, while I've always heard they existed? Now I actually SEE these mall walkers who just show up to get some indoor exercise.

However, lest I attract your disdain by trying to make a silk purse out of recession, I do have what I call a negative. These downturns are starting to have a lasting impact on our language. I'm just going to use one example and I'm sure you can add your own.

There had to have been a time when the phrase "opening soon" would have been linguistically bundled with well known demands for urgency like ASAP, STAT, SOS, AND ANON. No more is that true, I say.

Four months ago I first saw a fancy sign announcing the opening of a Vietnamese restaurant, a first in this neighborhood. I got excited. I love lemon grass. But like I said, that was four months ago. I peeked inside the window last week to see only patched drywall, and concrete. But the sign is still there, OPENING SOON.

My favorite example around here is this huge piece of commercial ground a few miles away with a massive taunting sign touting a new BOWLING, AMUSEMENT CENTER. It used to say opening in the Fall of 2005. Well that date has been crossed out a lot, and replaced with the next year's numbers. And then, I'm pretty sure it was in 2007 the sign was replaced with an even bigger sign that reads, you guessed it, OPENING SOON!!

I did a story sometime in the 90's in this area, during another economic downturn, where some local entrepreneurs promised to build a golf course along a popular creek. And right after the first backhoe showed up, so did the sign giving a planned date for completion. So developers with some land close by did what? They quickly jumped on the bandwagon building slightly upgraded homes touting them as "Golf Course" homes. AND there were some people around whose wallets were fat enough they could buy these over priced structures, almost site unseen, just to be on a golf course.

Well their homes got built, they moved in, and out their windows they saw the SIGN. First it read Golf Course opening in the Spring of 199_, fill in the blank. Yeah, and after a few years of editing the OPENING DATE? The sign read: GOLF COURSE OPENING SOON.

Well those local entrepreneurs ultimately went "belly up." That of course was after the lush flora around those fancy new homes was scraped right out of the landscape. But time has been kind to the people who live in those once fancy new homes. The wildflowers, the tall grass, and even some trees came back on their own. So now, as I understand it? Homeowners, if and when the housing market turns around, will be trying to recoup their losses by touting their homes proximity to breathtaking open space. OPEN SPACE, OPENING SOON.

So anyway, thanks to the economy, let's scratch OPENING SOON off our URGENT expression cache. I don't know, I'm thinking OPENING SOON should be required to have an attendant phrase that reads, BUT MAYBE NOT IN YOUR LIFE TIME.

Well I gotta run and get some laps in at the mall. See you SOON!