Ouch!

I can't keep up with all these new syndromes that keep popping up. I've been asking other people if they feel like I do about RLS.  If you're not in the game yet, that would be Restless Leg Syndrome. I've still not gotten a good answer to my question, "is it like, you know, when your leg goes to sleep, and then it twitches."

Somebody says, "well not exactly."

Anyway I don't know whether I should be treated for RLS or not. You know I mostly get it riding light rail with my legs crossed.

I fortunately ride light rail in off-rush hours. But I still get that tingling.  I've yet to experience the symptom where I want to get up and dance.

Strange how the subject of RLS takes us to light rail. It's strange 'cause I believe it to be the cause of the newest medical phenomenon, BKS.

"BKS?", you say.

"Banging Knees Syndrome," I reply

Ever try to sit four people in these seats they've allegedly designed for four?  Who are these designers, leprecauns, lilliputians, elves, menehunes, the seven dwarfi? 

It reminds me of the time I was on a flight from Cincinatti to Los Angeles with Pete Rose's neice sitting next to me. Well it turns out we've blown a bunch of tires on  takeoff and will be making an emergency landing in LA.  They don't tell us about it until we are over the Grand Canyon. So they're giving the old "put you hands behind your head and then push your head down between your legs" demand.

Well there is this basketball player on board, I'm guessing 6'11" in altitude. He, like many of us, is a little loose from all the free booze they've been anesthetising us with. On hearing the "head between the knees" demand, he looks at the seat in front of him, checks the available leg room and then bursts into laughter.

"Lady,"he says. "Head between my knees? You've got to be kiddin'. I might just as well kiss my ____ goodbye right now."

True Story! No hyperpole! Honest!

The American Academy of Orthepedic Surgeons says knee injuries are the most common physical injuries treated in this country.  And while you hear your friends with knee scars rattle off, "oh yeah, I've been scoped. They had to take out my ACL" (Anterior Cruciate Ligament.) 

But lately I've been hearing more people talking about their torn Meniscus, the cartilage holding the knee together. Listen to the suspected etiology (source) of Meniscus tears:

"MENISCUS TEARS USUALLY OCCUR WHEN TWISTING, CUTTING, PIVOTING, DECELERATING, OR BEING TACKLED. DIRECT CONTACT IS OFTEN INVOLVED."

Now where could all that take place?

Now I know that just about everybody walking into the doctor's office with BKS claims to have gotten it in 'THE BIG GAME."

But, and I'm going to leave it at this. Would you tell your doctor or your friends you got your BKS trying to squeeze into a light rail seat?

Come on you guys.  Even the airlines gave in and gave us a little bit of that leg room back. Come on. Medical history is judging you! 

Pete Rose's neice was 14.  It was her first flight. When the tires blew I told her it was the landing gear. I can't always be right.

DUCK!!!

I know you all think I'm caught up in "Animal Conspiracy Theory." But for what I am about to share with you I have at least 19 witnesses. And they haven't been students of mine long enough to be witnesses of ill repute.  Sorry, but this is going to take some background.

Do you know about Demosthenes? Well Demosthenes is this Greek guy who many have crowned the FATHER of Oratory. I won't weigh you down with details. I'll just say that Demosthenes is noted for (may be urban 'ATHENS' myth) the following activities to strenthen his voice:

1. Putting pebbles in his mouth while practicing speeches to exaggerate his articulation.

2. Running along the beach while delivering his speech to get control of his respiration.

3. Delivering his prose to the "breaking" surf on the Aegean Sea to improve his projection.

He did some other things, but for MY purposes that's ALL you need to know.

So in my Announcing class every semester I make an effort to exalt Demosthenes. I believe that whatever you do in life, you need to bow to, and to some degree, emulate a Master.

You might surmise it's not in this state sponsored institution's budget to take 22 students and wing them to Athens and Sparta for the week?  So I compromise.

We settle for Cherry Creek. (Cherry Creek is three lanes of thoroughfare north of campus.)

As is the tradition we amble about a quarter of a mile along the creek. Whilst pursuing our quest we speak to each other with pencils positioned between our uppers and lowers. ( A dentist pal of mine suggests I not encourage the use of pebbles in the mouth while speaking. An attorney friend of mine offers similar advice.)

We also (allowing for health and/or willingness) walk, jog or run along opposite banks of Cherry Creek. As we ambulate, we all recite the "I am the very model of a modern major general" chorus from the Pirates of Penzance. We, like Demosthenes, are building up our breath control.

And then we arrive at a very noisy waterfall. There we line up on opposite banks and attempt to project our voices to our partners on the other bank.

Even under normal circumstances it's a challenge. We are often visited by men and women of little or no means who tend to reside along the banks. They tend to join in.

We often get scolded by cyclists and joggers as we retard their paces.  But today "takes the cake."

Because of all the snow stacked up along the banks? Those on the south side need to stand back an additional six feet. It's true we are making every effort to make ourselves heard.  Yet, in many cases we are merely lip reading.

Enter that mallard duck up there,  and about 15 of his friends.  They sit, as they always do, right below us. And each time even the meekest of our number sets out to recite? These ducks (I'll give you of list of witnesses if need be) turn, form a sort of choral half circle, and start quacking right back at the chanter.

Okay, the other side of the bank and a new human reciter? The duck chorus just re-arranges it's arc and quacks at the orator du jour on the north side.

When we get quiet? The ducks get quiet! These little winged creatures are MOCKING US. They might as well be mocking DEMOSTHENES. Oratorical HERESY!.

Some of us are amused? Some of us are imagining Duck Under Glass.

So now I'm not sayin' they are,  and I'm not saying they aren't....ALIENS! I'm just askin'.  I mean if an alien can transform itself into a rabbit? Mighten it also be able to camouflage itself beneath a host of feathers?

Like I said, I'm just askin'.

I'm pretty sure that mallard is the ring leader.  I always see him around.  I think next semester we make fun of HIM.  I know! We'll call him Demosthenes. That'll frost him.

Alien Update

I've been trying not to think about how our backyard water tap gets turned on? Turned on without any evidence anyone or anything leaves snow tracks leading up to it?  But it's NOT been easy.

An alarm goes off in one of our neighbors homes? Police come and look around? No footprints. No visible signs of access. Hmmm?

Then Peggy drops by to tell me, "while you are out I see this very large rabbit sitting right next to the water tap?  No tracks!"

She swears it looks exactly like the one I got a picture of last Spring.

"Except four times that big," she says.

Well I think from the picture we can pretty much surmise I am correct suspecting the species has yet to evolve opposable thumbs. Ergo, it seems improbable the beast just materializes,  reaches up, and paws open the faucet.

"What? You want me to conjecture? Well, okay! You asked for it."

I've watched enough "Star Trek" and "Weird Science" to give it a go.

Just because we can't see it, hear it, smell it, feel it doesn't mean it isn't here. And while opposable thumbs would answer the mystery we have on this planet? I've seen enough Star Trek episodes to know there are forces in the UNIVERSE we can't possibly understand.

And I know from Star Trek, and OTHER scientific documentaries, some organisms may disguise themselves by taking on the form of other organisms. So my guess?

When is a rabbit really a rabbit? Our friends from planet "X" have jumped into rabbit skins for a while.  Good thinking.  Warm furry coats for the winter. Get thirsty? Just THINK a water tap open. The alarm? Clearly a signal to the mother ship that the invasion is moving ahead as planned.

Peggy just walked by and looked over my shoulder.

"People are going to think I'm nuts and take me away."

"Get in line sugar!"

So while I'm updating? My last posting speaks to the issue of the Good and Bad of the snow keeping geese from ingesting their favorite fare? Grass?

Well one TV station (sorry I didn't do my homework and establish which one) features this guy who is desperate to see something other than snow on his lawn.  So, and I kid you not, this guy snow blows the yard. There it is. Grass.

Can you guess? Can you guess that he has 20 geese visiting his front yard? Will you join me in guessing what's next whenthe other geese see it on TV or read it here.

Let me put it this way. It is estimated (State Division of Wildlife) there are about 70 thousand geese who call this metro area home year round.  It's also estimated up to 200 thousand geese meander through the area in the winter.

I sure hope this guy has a good use for goose dung.

DO,DO,DO,DO!  

Honk if You're Hungry!!!

 

Good and Bad goose news. The bad news first.

If wild goose is the traditional entree for your Spring feast? You bettter like your goose lean and boney. As you can see they got NADA to eat.

Good news? Well if this snow ever melts there will be a lot less Goose Dung on the golf greens and jogging paths.

It's been sunny for a few days, but we seem to LIKE getting a little NEW snow every weekend. I  was going to take a little BLOG snowbreak today? That's even with the inch a half of powder we picked up over night?  But then I look at the AOL front page? There is no way I'm going to give El Nino a break.

The AOL cover story has the populace of Anchorage, Alaska  "____ing" about the 74 inches of snow they've gotten already this Winter. Well welcome to the club. You guys are about ten inches behind this town's western surburbs. And hey, we're a few latitude inches south of you.

I still might have changed the subject had I not looked up at the TV screen and seen a feature on the 1967 snowstorm in Chicago. They got 23 inches and the toddlin' town was paralysed. (Mrs. O'leary sure could have used a few inches.) 

Peggy, who lived in Chicago a while, remembers the municipal solution to too much snow? Just heap it all in train cars and send it south. They would just keep looking for dumping ground, or keep going until it melted.

Wonder why they haven't done that here?   Could be because they'd have to run those train cars to Colombia before the snow turned wet.

And Anchorage? Forget it!

One observation I'd like to make and then I'll get out of here. This month and half love affair we've had with snow, has me fascinated with all it's textures.

Historically I've seen the arctic like super dry powder in Utah. I've been in screaming wet, yet knife like blizzards of Chicago. I've tried to ski on the icy slopes of Mount Waterman in the Mojave Desert, I've been caught in the sopping wet circling yuck outside Boston. I've walked through the lingering slush of Portland, Maine. I've been blinded by the glumping mass on the windshield driving I-40 in New Mexico. I've tolerated the ice storms we tried to call snow in Western Kansas.

The reason I can remember all these textures? That's 'cause we've had them all here in this one place, at this one time. It get's kind of funny when you go out to shovel? You go out thinking it's going to be really heavy? So you put a lot into that first shove? Well it turns out it is the light fluffy stuff, and you and your shovel go flying into a snow drift.  Or there is the reverse which I'm guessing is the cause of lot of hernias.  

Earlier this year I talked about returning to two a day workout sessions to help get my weight down?  Turns out that's easy to schedule in a winter like this.  Daily shoveling gets one of the two out of the way right away.

But you know things could still be a lot worse.  We could be  geese. HONK! HONK!

Do,Do,Do,Do!

One of my former students, the ebullient (don't you ever use that word in copy Heather) Heather Burke, is shooting, editing and reporting for a TV station in Roswell, New Mexico. I am so proud of her, and it's very auspicious (don't use that word either) that I would hear from her today.

You see it was July of 1997 that photographer Mike LeClaire and I spent a week in Roswell.  It was the 50th anniversary of the reported landing of an alien craft northwest of town. As a Norwegian, I am a born skeptic. As a journalist I am a practiced skeptic. But you know what? I think Mike and I both walked away from there scratching our chins saying, "hmmmm!"

For now? Just put that in the back of your mind. You'll need it later.

I know some of you have had it up to your ear muffs reading about all the snow in Denver. Big Deal!

But please bear with me at least one more time. You might be entertained.

My morning routine is: Get up around 6 AM, put on some pants, walk down stairs, open the garage door, walk out and get the paper, walk back in, close the garage door, climb the stairs, and go find SOME place to read the paper and do the Celebrity Cipher.

Well that routine gets seriously interrupted this morning. Up at 6 AM, pants on, head downstairs........

"What's that I hear?"

It is THE DREADED sound of anyone living in a place where the mercury drops below zero for any period of time. Drops below zero and then one day the thermometer creeps back up over 32 degrees.

(By the way today marks the 35th day in a row of snow on the ground here. It's an official record for you trivia nuts.)

Well, what I HEAR is WATER running.  I run to where the sound is greatest, the kitchen sink. From past experiences water should be flowing over the edges of said sink turning the kitchen into a swimming pool.

For those of you who live in Mediterranean climes...the likely scenario here is that whilst below zero a water pipe somewhere in the house freezes and then expands.  When it expands? Unbeknownst to you, it cracks that silly little pipe. And when the temperature gets a little more temperate? You get it.

But why is nothing coming out of the sink? 

"Okay Paul, don't panic.  Check all the toilets. Toilets check!"

This is getting way too weird.

"Showers, bathtubs? Showers, bathtubs check! Peggy we gota problem. Get up and help me search for a water pipe break!" 

Down to the basement. 

"Basement, hot and cold water lines? Check. Basement dry as a fossil!"

"I don't get it!"

"Me neither! Let's go back to the kitchen sink. That's where it's the loudest."

"Couldn't be out there on the deck, could it?"

"How? We took the hose off, winterized it and shut it off tight. That just can't be."

"Well I think we have to check it, don't we? Go out there!"

And so I did, and guess what?  Down underneath a foot and a half of snow, water is gushing out of the tap.

"Oh, no it must be cracked, we'll have to call the plumber. What's his hourly rate up to, anyway? With this stuff happening all over the place we'll probably be 2,000th on his triage list."

"I know it doesn't make any sense. But just for the heck of it try shutting off the valve."

"Right! OOOKAAAY."

TWIST (a quarter of a turn to the right to be exact.)  The running water noise is gone. There is no broken pipe. There is no leak. SOMEONE (or something) has opened our backyard water valve a quarter of a turn in the middle of winter.

"BUT WHO?" (or what?)

You see here's the deal. The valve is buried under a foot and a half of untouched snow. There are no human footprints leading up to it. We have a salamander show up once, but I'm unimpressed with its grasping skills.  We have a lot of wild rabbits around. But to my knowledge they've yet to evolve opposable thumbs. AND there are JUST no prints of any kind leading up to the tap.

SO.....WHATCHA THINK? ALIENS MAYBE? 

I can't think of any natural physical principle that would cause such a phenomenon. I'm sorry but ALIEN is the only answer I can come up with. And I did see that odd sunset up there last week?

And isn't it interesting that I should hear from my friend Heather from Roswell today. Well there will be no cover up here. 

"Heather I'm available for an exclusive interview. I've got home video of the snow?"

You know this could be some very important corroborative evidence.  If these ALIENS happen to be from Mars?  And they go to all this trouble to get water?  Aren't we talking WATER up there on the Red Planet? I THINK SO!

Just a thought.

Do,Do,Do,Do. (Courtesy: Close Encounters of the Third Kind.)

Seen the hose?

Today's "silver lining?" Very low water bill this month. That's it.

Except let me clear up a possible mis-leading piece of information I promulgated.  Just 'cause I wonder who has the right of way between two SUV's, one going up hill, and one going down hill? Well that doesn't mean I OWN ONE. I wouldn't tell you if I did own one.  That would be politcally incorrect until the price of a gallon of gas hits $1.75.

Did you watch the President's State of The Union?  I didn't really hear anything.  I was too busy watching people look for the pit boss cues to respond to prhases based on special interests. 

You know everybody on the planet gets an advanced copy of the speech.  I'm guessing each political pac marks it up for the appropriate reaction to every phrase. I also suspect they have reverse teleprompters for each of those special interests.  The screen I think must toss up lines like...

GO CRAZY!

LOOK MEAN!

OKAY, NOW LET'S DO PROUD!

THIS MIGHT BE TOUGH, BUT WE NEED YOU ALL TO LOOK THOUGHTFUL!

OKAY, BACK TO GET CRAZY!

Did Bush say something about the environment? You know like I thought I hear him say, "be sure to water your plants and shrubs through the winter. That's what great about this country. In America we can water."

My hose is three feet below a snow drift. I'm probably going to have to buy a new one in the spring.  But hey, that's still going to be cheaper than what my water bill would have been.

On Target

Anybody watching the Australian Open at midnight?

Here is an issue that is bothering me. If your neighborhood two lane street fills up with snow?   And there is so much snow that it becomes a one way street? And there is a portion of that street that is inclined?  And one SUV is heading down the incline?  And another SUV is motoring up the incline? Who has the "right of way?"

I'm serious.  I have no idea. And I'd like to be polite.

This much snow leads you to make some odd choices. There are some decisions made it's not comfortable to talk about. But I've come to trust most of you most of the time.  So here goes.  I'm going to spit it out now. Open the closet door.

We need to fill the pantry?  It is going to be tough to get all the way to Safeway? So? Here it comes. I, and I force Peggy to join me, shop for GROCERIES at SUPER TARGET. I don't know about you, but it just seems unclean.  I don't mean dirty.  I mean, just not morally right, is it?

It is odd that I choose Super Target, which is a new phenom'.  Wal Mart has been doing it (selling groceries) for a long time, and I think I once break down there and buy a box of saltines.  

But I remember how uneasy I feel opening the box and that icky ecruish colored wax paper sealant.  I know I eat one of the crackers, but I think the rest of the box dies of old age, or I feed the birds with it. (Birds will eat anything!) 

I once help put together a story on the implosion of the Montgomery Ward building in town?  Why bring that up? Well there is this guy living in a high rise overlooking the Monkey Ward building (is it still not nice to say that?)  throwing a celebratory cocktail party at sunrise?  And I will always remember his sound bite as he is standing on the balcony during the countdown. Ten....nine.....eight.....seven...

"You know any store that sells women's underwear right next to snow tires deserves to be imploded!"

....one....KAH BLEW EE.....

So I'm not making any stiff promises here.  I don't even know if you have one around you. But for the time being I am refusing to buy my groceries from the new Super Sears Store.

"There is just something WRONG about grocery shopping in a store that sells men's UNDERWEAR right next to the Broccoli," says I.

Oh, by the way, I testeda Super Target orange.  It seems to be okay.  I'll let you know if, ahem, ahem, a problem develops.  

What about the "right of way" issue?  Any answers?  Any suggestions? 

Andy Roddick is clobbering  (6-2  6-2 so far) his old hittin' buddy Mardy Fish. Maybe they can have a beer at Walgreens after the match.

Isolationariatism

I sometimes feel as if I'm in an episode of "Men in Trees," or "Northern Exposure." I'm sort of stuck here for the winter unless I know somebody with a float plane. I know Jack Wilhite who has a Chinese Mig 17? But I'm pretty sure it doesn't have any pontoons. And the emergency manual is written in Cantonese.

Remember that Northern Exposure episode where everyone is going stir crazy until just before the spring ice cracks? Everybody wants to hit everybody else. Well here is a little winter object lesson.

I'm on this major secondary thoroughfare in the middle lane. It's snowing, the traffic is heavy and patience in general is non-existent. Well we are all about to either cross over an interstate, and or merge on to that interstate. Still with me?

Well some person (MORON) in an Audi decides at the last minute he needs to get on this interstate. You know what lane he's in?  Uh, huh, the left lane. Know which lane merges onto the interstate? You know you're right?  It is the right lane.

So this person deftly forces the nose of his Audi into the middle lane.  It is a big enough nose that this Audi is now totally blocking the middle (my lane) lane. Well there is some horn honking (very rare in this part of the country), and some gesture waving (fairly common in this part of the country.)

Clearly this is not a popular maneuver. But this driver (MORON) also clearly hasn't completed his mission.  He needs to get into that right lane enroute to merging onto this interstate. Well the folks all jammed up in that lane don't see the humor of the predicament. The nose of the Audi will not be merging into the right lane or the highway.  Justice eh? So what have we got here?

We've got a middle lane (including me) totally blocked by the ( MORON OPERATED) Audi.  We have all the vehicles in the right lane voluntarily and stubbornly stopped dead in their snowpack ruts. There is no way in a "hot spot" that Audi is going to be allowed progress.

Oh, and what happens to the left lane where the "Audi Idiot" began his adventure?

Well everybody stuck behind me in the middle lane, merges left with the end result?

Sooooo this is ROAD RAGE!!!!

It is a classic example of the old adage "Don't cut off your Audi to spite your Pontiac." 

Ya know back in my day an incident like that might a meant I'd be late for dinner. But nowadays there's always a Mc Donalds open 24-7.

There is a town west of here (and four thousand feet up from here) where they put this clock out on the ice for the winter?  And then everybody in town bets on the date and time it sinks. I don't want to be the guy who goes in after it. I can't remember what you get if you guess right. 

Now if we did that down here? The prize (AKA SURprize) would be the clock, you and your Audi would get swallowed up by a giant pothole. Right?

But lets look on the bright side.  At least Joel is not your doctor and not everybody has to drink at the same bar.  I'm happy. 

Ha,ha,ha!

I have quite a few people on the edges of my life circle who are suffering tremendously right now.  I try to let them know without being obnoxious that I really care about them. I'm there in spirit as they battle their demons. But, and I know most of you share these types of frustration, what can I do, short of curing them, that will really help?

You know I think it's finally whacked me upside the head? I've not been writing here for a while 'cause I didn't want to share the dark side. So "DON'T SHARE THE DARK SIDE!"

"Who said that!!!"

I'm calling in my vanity to say, " I think the best offering I can muster right now is to amuse my suffering friends and relatives."

STANDBY FOR AMUSEMENT.

Well, I'm still carping about the snow. We are getting another five inches today. It's really odd that my friends and relatives in Los Angeles, the Bay area, southern Michigan and Maine are sending me email letting me know about the ONE inch they counted so far. (Get any, so to speak, in Yonkers, Sheila?) At my house we've had close to 60 inches over the past month and a half.

It's pretty exciting for my sister Theda to see snow in the L.A. area.  She sends me a picture of snow that looks like salt on a Margarita glass. Theda hasn't seen snow in L.A. since 1954.

"It's not that bad is it Paul?," she says.

My sister Brenda in Maine writes, " but isn't it kid of pretty Paul?"

You know the other day I suffered a major bout of TV rage.   Lou Dobbs is on CNN grousing about, big surprise, the immigration issue.

Well he has some obnoxious talk show hosts on who are blasting what they love to call the "Main Stream Media." Why? Because the mainstream media, and I paraphrase one of these GENTLEMEN, " is spending all it's time talking about snow in Denver in December. When doesn't it snow in Denver in December?"

Well only those of you who live or have lived here know why my chain is yanked.  It hardly ever snows here in December. When it does it's an inch and its gone the next day. Denver is technically a desert.  Chambers of Commerce here brag about having the same number of sunny days as south Florida. Almost all the golf courses are open and busy here in DECEMBER! 

While I will defend their existence to the death? I have a  pet peeve about many very popular talkshows.  Hosts? Do your blinkin' homework.  Otherwise your talk show is nothing more than a "sharing of ignorance."

Well I'm over it.  I'm getting back into meditation, and getting a little more exercise. So I am going to try and focus on my sisters' naive impressions.   

"Not so bad?"  Heck it's great.

"Kind of Pretty?" Man its gorgeous!

I've taken over 1500 pictures of this weather anomaly. And? Well I've nothing planned for them other than offering them up for your AMUSEMENT.   Enjoy, or NOT!

Watch Your Step!

A UFO hovering over O'Hare? A colossal shift in weather patterns on the planet? And this strange set of footprints in my driveway! What's going on here?

I'm clearly reminded of one issue.  If you are trying to rid your community of burglary and vandalism?  Just lay down some fresh snow every day.

Somewhere in the archives of this BLOGOSITY I tell the story of a "Bright" home burglar who shoves all his booty in a sack? And then makes his quiet escape on foot walking from the scene of the crime to his hideout.

[If I recall correctly he wore a 10 triple E]

The "beat cops" didn't even need to call CSI on this one.

Now my TODAY tale is a little different.  And pay attention because there is a consumer "beware" tip hidden in this mini-saga.

Pretty early this morning I head out to the driveway to pick up the Sunday paper. It's just one of those things 'ol folks' do. I see it ( the paper) ahead of me in its bright orange Sunday best wrapper.   But before I take a step towards it's retrieval? The image you see up above catches my attention.

This is not the imprint of a rabbit, or raccoon, or coyote, or dog, or cat, or fox, or antelope, or domestic livestock of any make. What beast on this planet would leave such a mark?  It looks almost human.  With all this snow we've been getting, could Yeti have traveled south for the winter.  If so, Yeti is much smaller than his reputation.

Well I quickly rush back into the house to get my camera to record this Bizarre homo sapien like print.   But what human would walk around  in his bare feet,  in snow,  at 15 degrees Fahrenheit, with a wind chill factor of 5 below? 

And the prints go only in a tight circle from the middle of the driveway to the garage door and back.  Odd?  It's almost as if this creature just landed, took a quick break, and then flew away.

So??? Here I am in my parka and gloves tucked into my quilted booties I buy every winter holiday at "Restoration Hardware."

I'm walking out to get some tight shots of the evidence and then head back in. Oh, my goodness!! There is a new set of tracks appearing in front of me. This THING is following me!

Well, I don't want to over milk this. I have seen Yeti, and Yeti is ME!

One of the other things 'Ol folks' do?  We forget some actions we take ten minutes after we take them.

I now recall that even earlier in the morning? I make a trip to the driveway anticipating the Sunday paper is here? It isn't, so I go back to bed.

The real object lesson here is those BOOTIES from "Restoration Hardware."  The padding on the soles  are clearly not very substantial, eh?   It's true when I buy them there is no encouragement to wear them outside of the home.

By the same token there is no disclaimer or warning against wearing them to retrieve newspapers in the snow.

And there is certainly no suggested advice on how to deal with the shock of thinking you've discovered a whole new life form that tolerates incredibly low temperatures.

[There have been observations of my feet over time that have ended with the verbalization, "Weird." Yeah, I guess so.] 

Winter Schplinter!

Well arn't we the "Cat's Meow?"  We get another 8 inches of snow.  Now? We get to wait yet another two weeks for the trash guy to show up.

Do see a garbage truck today? The driver is defiantly sitting at a donut shop. Oh, and the donut shop is right next to a liquor store....so I don't really know.

I've just thrown a whole loaf of old bread out onto the snow drifts to save starving birds and varmints? Even if they can get to a slice? Won't it just break their little teeth?  And if they wait for a little melting? Who likes soggy bread.

By driving up and down our suburban blocks trying to get to the grocery stores that are empty?  We get bonus points on the moto cross tour.

The guy two doors down to the South stops by?

"Hi! I lost my keys helping shovel your walk while you were in the hospital. Have you seen them?"

"Let's talk about that in May."

We've started a grand experiment here.  We've recently started shopping at two new SUPERMALLS. They are OUTDOOR SUPERMALLS.....OUTDOOR SUPERMALLS in a town that has just seen up to 80 inches of snow in the past three weeks. 

I have relatives and friends in Michigan and Maine and New York who've yet to see a flake of snow.  And I'll bet they don't have outdoor shopping malls.

I'm trying really heard to be upbeat and positive about this "stuff"....but keep falling back into the chronic cliche "enuf's enuf!"

I know I'm "preaching to the contraltos" amongst those who live here. But what we need all of the rest of you to do right now? Send us pictures of your "Brown Christmases."  Talk to us of drought, and crop failure and smog.

If you'll do that for us? We'll keep looking for the elusive silver lining.

And a hasty response would be most appreciated.  We got another "Biggie" headed our way the end of next week.

 

Tonnage report

I said back in October of '06 that I vowed I would not gain back any of my weight loss through the HOLIDAYS...and then I later vowed I wouldn't punish myself terribly should I fall short of that goal?

Well?  No punishment, no guilt, no weight gain. So here I am feeling pretty good about myself...and it dawns on me....I'm not sure anymore when the holidays end, are you? It used to be, and not that long ago it seems to me, that all the college bowl games wrapped up on New Years night (The Orange Bowl).

Now I see they are dragging the BCS games out through next wednesday.  And I'm sure there are people who swear the holidays don't end until after the SuperBowl.  And starting with MLK, and all those President's days...we are all right into Shrove Tuesday...and then Mardi Gras, now a big deal since Katrina, and danged if we aren't  right into Baseball and Football Spring Training, and isn't March Madness in there somewhere?

I hear these athletes complain often about not getting any breaks.  Well, what about we who are pound shedding? When do we get to take a break? When can we "have our cake and eat it too?"

Instead of making trans fats illegal? We should legislatively limit the number of holiday celebrations in any given year that involve the ingestion or imbibement of caloric content.

Or not!  Happy New Year by the way!